Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Life as I Know It...


i'm feeling so muddled. like i have 3 or 4 lives going on at the same time and i just can't keep up. 1. I'm feeling so creative and want to spend my entire day rearranging and cleaning and purging and crafting and sewing and sorting...
2. I'm also feeling like sitting in front of the fire and knitting whilst watching my children build block cities and stage puppet shows...
3. I'm half way thru the Continuum Concept so my mind is reeling with all that. i've been reading bits and pieces of it for months on the website, but now i'm reading the whole book paragraph by paragraph, slowly, deliberately, and taking it all in.......... it's SO much. Of course it makes me wish yearn piiiiine for a rewind button where i could start anew with my babes. WHY OH WHY doesn't someone (me?) hand this book out to every single pregnant woman that they see??? If only... sure. But I'm loving reading it for NOW because it makes my emotions make more sense. It makes my husband's feelings make more sense. It makes the whole world make more sense. if you haven't read it, DO.
4. I've finally completely had it with my discomfort in my body, feeling the extra layers when i sit down, etc. so am keeping a food journal starting today. already been for a big walk/explore down at the creek. hoping for another one later.
5. BR and me are SURGING ahead in our relationship. such good, deep talks and huge progression. going deeper deeper and it feels SO good but makes me just want to be with him all day long. damn this culture where our work takes us away from our families!
6. I am consciously being more present with my kids, so lots of playtime (we played store this morning and read some books and did a big play down by the creek in the snow) with them.and 7. I need and want to go see my Gma.I'm feeling SO many things at once. I'm being pulled in so many directions at once. I am so overwhelmed. it's SO all goooood. but sooooo much.
Oh! and 8. I want to be doing more crafts with Annika. i still haven't taught her how to hand sew. we haven't made any paper mache puppets yet. we did some watercolour painting, but need to do more...... she's FIVE. i just can't believe it. she's getting so grown up. in every way. oooh! my heart pains but is excited too. and P is nearly 3. THREE!!! my sweet boy! oh my goddess. he's struggling with his communicating. i forget that he's still so little and have to throw out expectations for, well, for everything... with Annika too. and Brent. and ME!!!
My word for this year is "acceptance". I'm working on just accepting myself, appreciating myself, and then that flowing out to everyone around me. I started with this last year, but making much bigger gains now that I'm really focused on it. And so, of course, that means throwing out expectations, living in the moment, being present, and open and loving and ALIVE.
I'm also finally getting that there are no absolutes in life. At least not in mine. Buy local or don't buy at all? Yeah, that's a great goal, but when you need a humidifier in the middle of the night and Walmart is the only place open, guess what? the resolution goes out the window. So I'm choosing, whenever possible, to support small, local businesses. I'm choosing, whenever possible, to buy local produce. I'm freezing more, canning more, making more from scratch and going to the stores a LOT less. But there's always room for improvement.
Which brings me to my anti-word for this year: judgement. I am seeking to judge LESS. I am seeking to judge not-at-all, but as in buying locally, this being human seems to require lower standards than I'd like, and so the "no absolutes"... I find that judgement comes allllllllll too easily to me, and I am consciously STOPPING myself in mid-sentence, in mid-thought and looking for the need beneath the emotion. I see my reflection in the mirror and I realize this does not fill my need for beauty. And if someone looks fantastic? All that means is the vision is filling my need for beauty. Using my NVC a lot more in my life and it is truly miraculous...
Less judgement, more acceptance. More inner reflection, less whining. More sharing, less consuming. More reaching out, less us/them. More living, less worry. More rituals, less TV. More appreciation, less blaming. More creating, less planning. More picnics outside, less fake food. More organization, less clutter. More authenticity, less pretending. More courage, less fear. More exploring, less boredom. More dirt, less soap.
Bring. it. on.

3 comments:

Stephanie said...

Oh my gosh I think we are sisters seperated at birth, I feel JUST like this some days. I am so glad you are writing it all down...sometimes that helps and clarifies things. I get all jumbled and overwhelmed. Since you are suggesting books I thought I would suggest something for you...read anything by Sabrina Ward Harrison. She made me the artist I am today...seriously.

Marce said...

Slow down honey. Just slow down. We can't hug you if we can't catch you.

cherry said...

oh i am so late in reading this. but it gets ME buzzing. i can only imagine how much your mind and soul are whirling. one step at a time, one task at a time to be fully present, accepting, and you're right, not judging. like weight on our bodies, so easy to put on, so hard to get off. to not judge is a hard habit to break. who do we think we are being so self-righteous/know-alls/i'm right your wrong type people? i've got alot of work in this department too. acceptance, i like it. i love these other comments too! sabrina.w.h rocks on for me too. xx