Sunday, January 22, 2006

Simple #4

In Numerology (add up the number in your birthdate including the month, day, year you were born), myself, my husband and our son are all FOURs. And our daughter was born on the 4th but is a ONE. Isn't that amazing? And I found this tonight, which is also very cool...

Your Life Path Number is 4

Your purpose in life is to build your vision.

You are practical and responsible. You work hard, knowing that there are no shortcuts in life.
You work for a better life for yourself and those you love, but you are not an idealist.
Trustworthy and honest, you also demonstrate great courage. People can count on you.

In love, you are a loyal and committed partner. You are the ideal spouse.

You don't give up easily, and sometimes you can be too stubborn and unwilling to change.
You also can be too conservative at times. You sometime miss out on good opportunities.
Also remember that not everyone can work as hard as you, as disappointing as that is!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Do or do not do

"Do or do not do. There is no try." - Master Yoda.

this quote. It is my inspiration for the rest of this crazy sleep-deprived week...

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Goblin Angels watching over us

This year I want more goblins in my life... more magic... more pretend... more imagination.
This is my friendly gargoyle watching us in the yard as we play. He sits in the window box on my beloved barn...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I'm feeling so uninspired and lost. I have so many projects I want to tackle but they're all overwhelmingly big when I have just a few minutes here and there to work on them.

I'm feeling so blah and unmotivated and heavy and ick. And I don't know what my desire lines are... I'm in need of some serious ooomph!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

The Courage to live

.A walk and talk with my good friend and I have my theme for the year: COURAGE.
This year I'll be exploring the true meaning of this word for me, but so far I know this: I need the courage to live MY life FULL OUT, the courage to be as BIG as I was born to be (my spirit, that is ;o), the courage to acknowledge and then embrace my OWN desire lines instead of continuing the dramas and struggles and dreams of my deceased parents. I LOVE what I had with them and I respect them so much for the lives they struggled with. But now this is MY chance, MY turn to succeed, screw up, fall down, get up, laugh, cry, find my OWN happiness. For my entire life, my parents were my project. For as long as I can remember my main purpose in my life was to make sure they stayed together and that they were happy (especially my mum). And now my angelfriend has helped me to see that I am continuing my mum's life -- complete with her dreams and struggles -- to the point where I keep edging my own husband to show up as if he were my dad. I am playing out their relationship dramas as a mother, a wife and even as a daughter/sister-in-law. I seek the courage to release all of that; to release their lives and their struggles and even their dreams. Because those lives are OVER. Those lives are dead. Those lives are empty. And in this release I will make the space for my own dreams, struggles, and adventures to show up. Only in this process will it be possible for me to really embrace their spirits that ARE alive. Their lives are dead. Their spirits are alive. I have had it backwards for the past five years.
Dear Goddess, I ask for the courage to stray from my parents' path... The courage to forge my own path and NOT leave a trail; thereby creating the possibility for my children to inherit enough courage to easily find their own way as well. I don't know what it looks like to live my own life, but I'm eager for the adventure to begin. Thank you, Amen.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Renovation Within

Okay, so that's not it. My 'happiness search' theme is not working. I believe very firmly that when you're on the right path, things flow smoothly and you get signs that you're onto something. I'm getting signs that i'm on the WRONG path. I've been rear-ended in traffic, I hit a parked car while parking, a cheque bounced (one written TO me, not by me), I'm having major marriage turmoil, as well as child turmoil. No, this is definitely not it.

I received an email from a very dear friend (and former boyfriend) who at one time -- oh my goddess, was it really almost half my lifetime ago already? -- anyway, at ONE time knew me as well as i knew myself (which, wasn't all that well at that awkward, tumultuous tender age). He had read my blog and was writing, worried about me, wondering if I was okay... Wondering if I was worrying about things that were too far beyond my control. At first I balked at his words, thinking MORE people should be worrying more and then the world wouldn't be as upside down as it is. But then I read the (com)passion entry at 37 Days and realized that maybe there is some truth to his words. And so I've come to this: the search for happiness may be too superficial for where I'm at right now. Is it surrender that I need? Should my theme for this year be surrender?

As many moments as there were in 2005, of me blissfully feeling that I was living my dream life -- that things couldn't get any better... it was actually a VERY difficult year for me too. And as much as I desperately wanted 2006 to be a new beginning of pure joy, leaving the problems I've been having with my own anger, frustration, and discontent behind, it truthfully hasn't exactly started out that way.

Okay, so surrender. I want to explore this concept. I have these flashes of anger that rise up in me with no notice and while my mind is aware of them, I so far have been unable to soothe them away. And while I'd hoped that more time alone, hot baths, good music, dark chocolate and walks in the forest would make them all disappear, I know on an intuitive level that there is something very deep inside of me that has to click before those angry moments are going to subside.

And every fibre in my being knows that this HAS to change. First and foremost because I am NOT able to mother effectively during these moments. So often I go to bed with tears in my eyes, knowing that I have confused my children with my angry sparks and wanting so desperately to be able to leave that all behind. It gets pretty bad at times, to the point where I want to run away, hoping that someone would step into my shoes and be the kind, loving, understanding, calm parent that my children so deserve. Cas in point: Yesterday my daughter would NOT skate at her first figureskating class. Now let's be clear, I don't give a rat's ASS about figure skating. But I had paid for the class, we were THERE, and I couldn't accept that she wouldn't just STAND UP on her skates and TRY for half an hour. I was angry and frustrated and having some VERY bad mothering moments. She seemed totally unphased by it all, simply refusing to be part of it. But last night during our ritual cuddle, she said to me, Mummy, I want you to be happy. And my blood ran cold.

What IS IT about me that I can't just accept? What is it that haunts me and destroys all my best intentions? Forget the rooms in my house, I need some completion in the houses in my SOUL. Goddess help me.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006


I'm told it's not very evolved to be toooo into New Year's resolutions, but I AM. I love new starts and always do a lot of thinking and journaling and celebrating and dreaming at this time of year and again when my birthday comes (in March) when I get to do a quick re-start if I so choose.
This year I am feeling SO motivated to truly live an inspired life. My mind is chock-full of ideas and visions, my heart is plum-full of joy and hope.
ONE of my many ideas is to resolve to COMPLETE one room in our house every month. We've lived here nearly 2 years now and there isn't a single room that is done from head to toe. January, I think, will be the love bedroom. Or at least it will be transformed from a place to drop from exhaustion to a place to nestle as a loving couple AND as a loving family. I want it to be SO inviting that we can hardly keep ourselves out of there! And yes, I want the children to feel that way too. Back before Annika was born, Brent made (yes, ALL by himself!) us a family bed. King-size in every way. The top of the bed is at my waist, the top of the headboard towers above. It FEELS like a nest high in a tree. And it is bliss. Now to transform the rest of the room to feel like that -- a safe haven away from everything troublesome.
Choosing OUR room as #1 for the year is a symbol of a deeper resolution in itself. While my lover and I were writing out our resolutions, he leaned over and said "Why do I KNOW that everything you're writing is focusing on everyone ELSE in our family while everything I'm writing is mostly about me?" And of course he was right. So, my theme for the year? MAKE MYSELF HAPPY! That seems so strange for me. So foreign. So completely impossible. To put my happiness above everyone else's. But that's my theme. That's my goal. I'm reaching for the moon. SO! By putting MY most private space, my marriage's most private space as numero uno, I'm thumping in the pegs of my theme right from the get-go.
SO? What's your theme for this year?
And any ideas for the love room?