I haven't been very good at communicating lately with anyone, I'm afraid. I'm not really sure why, but thought I'd try to put a post here to help me figure it out for myself. I think I tend to not want to be the drama-friend who's always bringing everyone down, you know? But I also don't want to pretend anything is different than it is -- and I'm having a hard time balancing those two needs.
I have to admit that this morning I started to wonder if I've done something that I need to "put right" in order to 'fix' my karma.
My hairdresser was telling me that she had wished harm to her ex a few weeks ago and within a week his father died, his child got very ill, and he started losing his hair. She sought help from a psychic to try to remove any spell she had put on him!
And so it occurred to me this morning that if anyone has wished harm on me, I hope they'll reverse their spell too...
if only it were as easy as all that...
Someone asked me the other day when I felt all this "bad luck" started. I haven't thought of it as bad luck, but it did give me pause for thought... It seems it all started in the Autumn. I felt pretty awful with iron and thyroid deficiencies which wreaked havoc on my hormones and health in general. But I seemed to get that all sorted out only to find that I'm pregnant! a big surprise turned very exciting. I felt so awful in the beginning I could hardly cope. Annika's tummy issues peaked and we treated her for blastocystis hominis which was just awful and very scarey. We all got very sick over Christmas with a stomach virus that we thought we were going to expire with. My Grandma died, which is what she and I both needed her to do, but that definitely took a lot out of me. I broke my ankle and had to have surgery and the healing part is challenging me more than I thought it would... And today Pedar woke up crying from pain and could hardly walk. He has blisters all over his hands and feet and up his legs, which I think is Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. Both my kids have had it before and I thought it was a one-shot deal, but apparently not.
So! I hesitate to answer the phone these days. People call and say "So? How is everything today?" And I'm afraid today I'd just burst into tears.
Of course it could be worse. These problems, in comparison to most of the people in the world, are tedious and petty and miniscule. But I am not in a position to compare to anyone else just now, and to me it's about all I can take.
Don't get me wrong, there have been more upsides to all this than down:
***Most notably, the amazing friendship shown to me by true and beautiful friends. It has been a lesson in gratitude just in itself that so many people have stopped by with food and offers to help with laundry and sweep my floor and play with my children. I honestly don't think I knew the meaning of community and friendship until these past few weeks. My heart has been continually refilled by my friends, my spirits continually uplifted.
***I saw my first robin today! Just now, actually, as I was typing this post. It came close to the window where I'm laying on the couch -- and probably sang a song or two! I look for them every year, the harbinger of spring, for me, my reminder of renewal and hope.
***The sun has been shining and the other day when a dear friend came over to take over my duties for most of a day, I sat in the sunshine on the deck while the warmth and light restored my soul.
***My husband has happily taken over all meal duties (my friends have cooked but he has served and washed up) and bedtime rituals with the kids.
***My kids have been an amazing help, carrying food to the table (you can't carry a single thing when you're in crutches! not even your own cup of tea!), dishes back to the kitchen, laundry to the washer, clothes to the hanging rack, books to my side, etc. Annika's even learned how to carry a full pot of hot tea to the table AND pour it herself! They're sweeping the floor, tidying up, watering the plants, bringing in firewood...
***Despite the trauma, the momma-worry, and the chemical-cocktails, baby's heartbeat is strong and movment has resumed!
My lessons? The biggest is that I actually don't need or even want to do everything myself anymore. That I am surrounded by people who care and love me. That I can handle more challenges than I thought I could.
But in a petty and small way, I have to admit that I'm looking forward to a turn of the tides... I hope I don't have to wait until next February -- I'm a rooster in a Rat year. And apparently this isn't such a good thing. The only advice I've found is to live much more simply. Which is something I'm always striving to do...
But, by chance, if you HAVE put just the teeniest spell on me? DO find out how to reverse it, will you? thanks so much.