Okay, so that's not it. My 'happiness search' theme is not working. I believe very firmly that when you're on the right path, things flow smoothly and you get signs that you're onto something. I'm getting signs that i'm on the WRONG path. I've been rear-ended in traffic, I hit a parked car while parking, a cheque bounced (one written TO me, not by me), I'm having major marriage turmoil, as well as child turmoil. No, this is definitely not it.
I received an email from a very dear friend (and former boyfriend) who at one time -- oh my goddess, was it really almost half my lifetime ago already? -- anyway, at ONE time knew me as well as i knew myself (which, wasn't all that well at that awkward, tumultuous tender age). He had read my blog and was writing, worried about me, wondering if I was okay... Wondering if I was worrying about things that were too far beyond my control. At first I balked at his words, thinking MORE people should be worrying more and then the world wouldn't be as upside down as it is. But then I read the (com)passion entry at 37 Days and realized that maybe there is some truth to his words. And so I've come to this: the search for happiness may be too superficial for where I'm at right now. Is it surrender that I need? Should my theme for this year be surrender?
As many moments as there were in 2005, of me blissfully feeling that I was living my dream life -- that things couldn't get any better... it was actually a VERY difficult year for me too. And as much as I desperately wanted 2006 to be a new beginning of pure joy, leaving the problems I've been having with my own anger, frustration, and discontent behind, it truthfully hasn't exactly started out that way.
Okay, so surrender. I want to explore this concept. I have these flashes of anger that rise up in me with no notice and while my mind is aware of them, I so far have been unable to soothe them away. And while I'd hoped that more time alone, hot baths, good music, dark chocolate and walks in the forest would make them all disappear, I know on an intuitive level that there is something very deep inside of me that has to click before those angry moments are going to subside.
And every fibre in my being knows that this HAS to change. First and foremost because I am NOT able to mother effectively during these moments. So often I go to bed with tears in my eyes, knowing that I have confused my children with my angry sparks and wanting so desperately to be able to leave that all behind. It gets pretty bad at times, to the point where I want to run away, hoping that someone would step into my shoes and be the kind, loving, understanding, calm parent that my children so deserve. Cas in point: Yesterday my daughter would NOT skate at her first figureskating class. Now let's be clear, I don't give a rat's ASS about figure skating. But I had paid for the class, we were THERE, and I couldn't accept that she wouldn't just STAND UP on her skates and TRY for half an hour. I was angry and frustrated and having some VERY bad mothering moments. She seemed totally unphased by it all, simply refusing to be part of it. But last night during our ritual cuddle, she said to me, Mummy, I want you to be happy. And my blood ran cold.
What IS IT about me that I can't just accept? What is it that haunts me and destroys all my best intentions? Forget the rooms in my house, I need some completion in the houses in my SOUL. Goddess help me.