.A walk and talk with my good friend and I have my theme for the year: COURAGE.
This year I'll be exploring the true meaning of this word for me, but so far I know this: I need the courage to live MY life FULL OUT, the courage to be as BIG as I was born to be (my spirit, that is ;o), the courage to acknowledge and then embrace my OWN desire lines instead of continuing the dramas and struggles and dreams of my deceased parents. I LOVE what I had with them and I respect them so much for the lives they struggled with. But now this is MY chance, MY turn to succeed, screw up, fall down, get up, laugh, cry, find my OWN happiness. For my entire life, my parents were my project. For as long as I can remember my main purpose in my life was to make sure they stayed together and that they were happy (especially my mum). And now my angelfriend has helped me to see that I am continuing my mum's life -- complete with her dreams and struggles -- to the point where I keep edging my own husband to show up as if he were my dad. I am playing out their relationship dramas as a mother, a wife and even as a daughter/sister-in-law. I seek the courage to release all of that; to release their lives and their struggles and even their dreams. Because those lives are OVER. Those lives are dead. Those lives are empty. And in this release I will make the space for my own dreams, struggles, and adventures to show up. Only in this process will it be possible for me to really embrace their spirits that ARE alive. Their lives are dead. Their spirits are alive. I have had it backwards for the past five years.
Dear Goddess, I ask for the courage to stray from my parents' path... The courage to forge my own path and NOT leave a trail; thereby creating the possibility for my children to inherit enough courage to easily find their own way as well. I don't know what it looks like to live my own life, but I'm eager for the adventure to begin. Thank you, Amen.