Over the past few days some things have really come together for me. Martifly was telling me about an extraordinary retreat she went to on family relationships. She learned how the ‘flow of love’ works. "It flows like a river….when two parents have a loving relationship, love flows to the children, and so on down the generations. But when a child isn’t filled up, and they think they need to care for the parent, the flow of love dams up." This resonated so strongly within me. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel I needed to care for my parent. And this is just exactly how I feel now, with my own children. When I'm triggered by something they do (the worst for me is when they're fighting with each other), the river of love within me dams up and I over-react with too much anger and have to shut everything down. I know intellectually what this is about and have blogged about it -- I felt I had to keep things peaceful in my nuclear family out of great fear of violence. And I know intellectually that I don't need to fear that now... blah blah blah. But the knowing doesn't always change the doing, you know?
Well, then today I went to see a healer and she told me some amazing things. First, that my own personal dominant element (in Chinese medicine) is wood. Nobody's ever told me that before. This is the element that contains forgiveness, compassion and patience. None of which are my strong suit! She said that she sensed that I'm depleted (I'm really working on my iron levels, but was told it will take about 3 months to bring them up to normal levels) and so I would be experiencing a lack of those things. And how! This makes sense of the strong judgment I feel, as well as the lack of compassion and patience with myself and others. She said that I have to cultivate the wood within me, and until I have enough wood, there won't be a very strong fire (energy, passion, excitement, verve). Doesn't that just make so much sense? Then she did a healing treatment on me with tuning forks calibrated to "om" and I had the most amazing visions during the hour she treated me. I saw myself sitting at the feet of Ghandi and Amma. I saw myself doing sun salutations on a beach and then sitting and meditating in the early morning sun. I saw my face soften and I kept seeing the flow of my love building momentum. I kept seeing swirls and little houses built on sticks (and I don't know what that means except that when I lived in Malaysia I lived right on the ocean and was surrounded by houses built on sticks? maybe it went along with the visions of the ocean and the swirls?) I saw myself awaking morning after morning, greeting my children, doing a sun salutation, and then sitting in the sun to meditate. I saw my vision for myself -- one of calm and slowness and deliberateness and presence manifesting in my life. When I awoke from the treatment I had a profound feeling of peace and calmness and gratitude and hopefulness.
And now we're off to the ocean! Brent is in between jobs so we're taking these precious two weeks to just BE together as a family and to fill ourselves up! There's sure to be morning meditations and sun salutations on the beach... We'll be in Maui until the 26th. Aren't we blessed?! Ommmmmmm
p.s. My chinese zodiac sign is the rooster. So now I know I'm a wooden rooster!