Sunday, September 30, 2007

Drizzly, Chizzly Autumn

Hard to believe that it's October tomorrow. I have to admit I've been struggling a lot this past month. I'm not sure why. It all started around the time I returned from Alberta (first of the month -- I'm hoping it was a September thing and I'll wake up good as new tomorrow morning! he he) I've been feeling really tired. Tired to the point of not being able to get my words out coherently, my mind completely muddled and fuzzy, and my patience absolutely nil. Any homeopathic practitioners reading my blog? Here are my symptoms: I've had a sore throat every night when I go to bed, my skin is very dry and itchy, I'm having breakouts on my face, I have achey joints and nausea at night, I feel chilled to the bone nearly all the time, the whites of my eyes are red in the morning, and I've had a headache nearly all the time. The thing is, it's all come in waves. It was so bad for a week or so that I went to see my medical doctor and got my thyroid tested (0.45 -- normal). Then I felt better for awhile and decided it might have been my slowly cutting out coffee from my diet. But after the side-effects of coffee withdrawals subsided it came back. I sought out my naturopathic doctor this time and I got my ferritin levels checked (haven't got the results yet).
The worst part is that I've been really short with my kids. And I don't know about you, but in my world there's nothing worse than going to bed at night feeling horrible about my mothering skills for that day... aaagh.
Some of my friends have been trying to help me figure out what this could be and here are some of the guesses:
1. A virus. Apparently you can have the beginnings of a coldy-type-flu for weeks at a time and never really get terribly sick, but feel this way.
2. Feelings manifesting into physical symptoms. This could be the result of several things:
a) Pedar weaned while we were in Alberta (it was very gradual and I didn't think it was a hard thing for me) which means I'm not breastfeeding now for the first time in nearly 6 years. Could my body be attempting to land me in a lovely 5 star spa in the tropics somewhere in order to refill my bare cupboards? he he he
b) Also, my grandma has been really ill. She fell and cracked her scapula and then got so constipated from the codeine they were giving her that she ended up in the hospital for that. I don't think I'll ever come to terms with the fact that she is SO alone in her old age. I continue to carry such guilt that I didn't make a stand for her and bring her to live with me. It fills me up SO much to go and crawl into bed with her even if she can't really talk much and just moans softly as I caress her face... I've gone around and around with this one and think I've come to terms with my choice to leave her where she is and just fill her up the best I can when I see her. But I really haven't. I don't know how I ever could. NOBODY should have to gradually die the way she is, surrounded by none of your own people. I've posted about this lots of times before. Andrea guessed that this could be affecting me like a virus...
c) I did the Landmark Forum on that second wknd in September. I cleared up SO many unhealthy thought processes that were holding me back from having really clear, healthy relationships with my extended families. I think I needed that wknd to last about a month. There's another post hiding there...
3. What about physical issues manifesting into feelings? Andrea asked me, when I got my head shaved, if I had "crown issues"? Crown issues? What are crown issues? Well, I'm still not sure, but I do know that I've always had to chain myself to the chair to EVER get a haircut. It's never been a joyful or relaxing experience for me. Ever. And after every haircut I've ever received I've had a little cry! Truly! Even the really great haircuts that I've loved! So, perhaps I have crown issues. And then to go in and have my head SHAVED? Maybe I'm like Samson (wasn't it Samson?) and held all my power in my hair? he he he I'm laughing, but what if there really is something to that?
I really don't know what's going on. I've just entered my moon time and it's a really heavy flow. Perhaps it'll all work its way out this way... I'd welcome any insights that might have come up for you here...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey great to hear about you! too bad you have been feeling so flat. My first port of call is "anatomy of the spirit" by Caroline Myss. Your symptons seem to be of the 7th chakra (Andrea is on the right track!) And that chakra is all about spirituality, God, life purpose etc. The head/crown is where the life spirit enters the body. If you have this book, re-read this chapter. It probably relates to Grandma (end of life/whats next for her?) Landmark Forum - life is meaningless?, Reading about Christ as Pagan - questioning spirituality/traditions/worship? I don't know - but its a good place to look.