Monday, May 07, 2007

Losing Ground...

My Grandma is one of my most favourite people alive... I adore my visits with her yet somehow don't make the time to see her more often. She's losing ground right now and I'm finding myself feeling pretty teary about it all. On Friday she wanted me to rescue her from the nursing home where she's lived the past 10 years and I did for a few hours, but in the end I returned her and left her there. It broke my heart and I think possibly broke her spirit. She's been mostly in bed ever since and not eating and her voice is garbly on the phone. The thing is, she's not embraced life for a few years now, and has been mostly wanting and waiting to die in order to join her beloved angels on the 'other side'.
She's on my mind pretty much constantly and I have to force myself to not phone her every hour. She asked me if I thought it was alright that she just die now, and I said I thought it was. I'm going to her tomorrow and the hours in between can't go by quickly enough... There's the garden, the passion of my life, that's calling to me, there's the very last, much-anticipated swim lesson of the session (to see if Miss A passed), there's the dancing to Mr. P's harmonica music to be done... Life is sweet yet Grandma is foremost on my mind and heart.

Gma and me at her 90th birthday party a couple of weeks ago.

So much of me wonders how things would be different if I could have/ would have taken my Gma in to live with us when we moved here... But I'm accepting that I didn't and that it can't be changed now. I'm accepting that somethings in life can't be understood, and that they just work out the way they're meant to... I'm accepting that my dear old Grandma just might be ready to pass over... And I'm feeling so grateful that I can go and give her more hugs and kisses and reassurances and love before she does...

The strange thing is, this love for my Grandma is new to me. I didn't love her the way I do now before I became a mother. I judged her as being selfish and only saw the things she wasn't. When I became a mother I realized just how hard things must have been for her and my judgments all just fell away. Also, when I lost my parents (7 years ago today), her unconditional love and acceptance became so much more important to me. She truly is the only person alive that I feel completely unconditionally accepted by. That's a gift that can never be replaced.

These are photos of my Grandma and myself at age 20. (I look more like my mum's side of the family.) Isn't it interesting that we both had glamorous photos taken of ourselves at that age, both looking over the same shoulder!?

And here's Grandma at 40. I think she got even more beautiful, don't you? This is a reminder for me to have a photo taken of myself in 2 years too. I'm 38 now. Oh! How I hope that if I'm still alive at 90 that I'm still walking and gardening and cooking and living with my family and passionate about my life...


Heather said...


Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you today, on what must be a very difficult day for you.
Wonderful to hear that you enjoy and cherish each moment that you have with your are lucky to have each other, it sounds like. What beautiful pictures of the two of you.

My neighbor brought over a big bunch of lilacs for me; they are something that make me think about my Grandma as she had lots of lilacs growing where she lived.

Mary-Sue said...

Thanks so much, Heather. That very first smell of lilac each spring brings tears to my eyes and nearly knocks me to my knees with the force of childhood memories it brings back. It's a scent like no other for me. My dad loved them more than any other flower and my childhood secret fort was built in a huge stand of them. I think a lot of people have a very strong association with them... Thanks for the kind thoughts.

Katherine said...

Hugs to you Mary-Sue. Your post pulled at my heartstrings. It is good that you cherish the relationship you have with your grandma. My heart and thoughts are with you as I know how hard it is to face losing a loved one.

PS. I love the photos in this post. How beautiful you both are and blessed to have each other.

Anonymous said...


Thinking about you today on the 7th anniversary. Glad you could spend some of this day(of sad memories) with GG.
Hugs and love, jilly-anne

Nicola said...

It is good that you are able to spend this time with your grandma and have the chance to say goodbye. I spoke to my dad's mum on the phone shortly before she died - can't remember why I called - I think it was because my grandad was going senile and in hospital and we expected him to die first. I told her I loved her. A few days later I got a call from my dad who told me she had died suddenly, and I was so glad that I had spoken to her recently. My grandad died 6 weeks later, so I like to think she went first so she could welcome him on the other side.

Those photos of you and your grandma are beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mary Sue
I have been thinking of you on the 7th anniversary....hugs and kisses to Sharon H.