I have been feeling this incredible power surging through me these past few days and must stop long enough to put it into words as best I can. It is sometimes so strong that I experience a sense of vertigo!??! I think the word that best sums it up is GRATITUDE. It blazes through me like a scent memory or the way an old song brings up a tidal wave of emotion, you know that feeling? Like when you met the love of your life and you'd be doing mundane daily things and then you'd suddenly remember that
they loved you too and your heart would swell til it felt like it was going to burst. Yeah, that feeling. I can be sitting at a stop light when suddenly I feel this energy surge through me and it seeminly comes from nowhere. But when I catch my breath I realize that it is stemming from a universal one-ness type feeling of being incredibly, unspeakably grateful for my life. Of being totally, incomprehensibly, powerfully in love with my life. And it isn't the big picture that brings it on, it's the little things. And it's not always coming from the
other in my life, but quite often just a deep deep gratitude for mySELF and for who I am! If my parents were alive I would be writing them great leagues of paper filled with lists of everything they did to bring me into who I am now. But their contribution stopped years ago and so I am for the first time really aware (and grateful!) for all that I have learned, all that I have been open to, all that I have endured, all that I have done to bring myself into WHO I AM RIGHT NOW.
I love that when I see an acorn I think first of planting it to grow another tree (oaks are one of my favourite trees) and then of drilling out the inside, popping the top back on with a bit of cork and making a little secret box out of it. See? Such a little thing, but it thrills me. I am grateful that I have a profound love of the earth, that I feel a steward of our planet, and that I am creative and believe in my ability to put fun things together.
When I pick DOZENS of tomatoes, a massive fist full of basil and a fresh onion out of my garden, and throw together a fantastic spaghetti sauce that nobody seems to be able to eat enough of... I feel a surge of gratitude that I love to garden and that I just DO it. People pop in to help us out with a project and I can put together a really lovely lunch in half an hour and they never want to leave. I feel a surge of gratitude that I am not easily overwhelmed.
I have chosen the most amazing support system for homeschooling my children (
www.selfdesign.org) which stretches me and moves me and inspires me and encourages me... And I feel grateful that I'm willing to explore the unknown and make decisions based on what feels right in my gut for me and my children.
I found out on Tuesday that I must attend a formal Gala event with my husband's company and at the same time realize that I have not had a haircut in 6 months, I have not so much as glanced in the mirror for longer than that, and I have not been shopping for the kind of clothes you'd wear to such an event since my children were born. I look at my support network and realize that I have not a minute to go out alone to quickly DO any of those things... I feel the sense of panic, but I can take a deep breath, pull out my tweezers, scrape the hard bits off my old make-up, pull out my blowdryer from the very bottom of my drawer, find a dress that I bought as a back-up dress for my wedding in 1999 (my mum was sewing mine and we weren't at all sure she could make it happen with just a 5 week engagement but she did! aaah! bliss!) and GO TO THE BALL, feeling like Cinderella must have: shocked that I can feel so beautiful in such short order, and not want to leave when the clock begins to strike midnight... surges of gratitude...
I feel so grateful that I truly lived my youth, traveling, doing the university thing, proving my worth and my intelligence and my versatility... So that I feel
only the smallest twinges of need to prove anything anymore to the world outside my garden gates. I'm grateful that I had a career, that I was sought after by powerful business people... so that now I feel the peace of knowing that the most powerful contribution I can make is to really be present for my children.
And, more than anything, I continue to manifest the most amazing people into my life (I met 2 more just this week), the most powerful groups (my Empathy Circle, which I no longer feel like I could function without), the most healing conversations (I have not been the same since reading Julie's comment
here and I'm hoping for another arena to fill my need for contribution from a very inspiring conversation on Friday)...
I feel this tremendous gratitude to the universe for the
trials in my life, the love, the joy, the little things:
that there are such incredibly talented musicians in the world and that WE have access to so much of it...
that my children are thriving and learning and growing and teaching me ALWAYS...
that i'm not struggling with teachers and schedules and kindergarten peers right now...
that summer is NOT over for us because our year ends in December NOT in August...
for our pantry heavy laden with jars of freshly canned salsa, peaches, jams, jellies and juices...
that my husband loves my body and wants to jump my bones ALWAYS
(hee!)...
that I am knitting wool sweaters for my children from my own alpaca's heavenly wool...
that my flock of lovely chickens are healthy and happy and laying the most beautiful assortment of rainbow coloured eggs...
that my gardens are overflowing with beautiful veggies, my apple tree's branches are nearly breaking from the weight of the organic apples, that every vase in my house is overflowing with zinnias and sunflowers...
that my home is cozy and welcoming and dirty enough to boost my children's immune systems... that I am healthy and inspired and living the life of my dreams...
that
I AM WHO I AM and that makes all the difference...
What do you appreciate about yourself? What characteristics are you grateful for? If you were to write a thank you note to yourself, what would you say?
