Last night I put all the pieces of the puzzle together for my wee little Pedar and realized that something is very wrong with his legs. He's been falling a lot, refusing to walk a lot, people have started commenting on how knock-kneed he is, he's not eating well or sleeping well... Over the last few weeks I've easily found reasons and partial solutions for all of those things -- he's getting his eye-teeth and last molars, he's a cuddle-bug and I was so okay with him wanting to be on my hip all the time, and I took him to the chiropractor for an adjustment and the falling seemed to lessen... and my mum had knock knees, so I found his endearing...
But Pedar's Grandpa kept insisting that he was limping, questioning his gait, and last night I finally let myself really hear him. When I put all the signs together my world seemed to crash in around me. How could there be ANYthing wrong with my sonshine? No sleep last night as I lay with my tears and fears and regrets... I prayed out loud and found the sound of my voice so comforting. I forgave myself for my impatience with him, my trouble with his squabbles with his sister, and drove away all the fears and regrets that inevitably come on a dark night when there's no moon and only the sound of dogs howling and owls hooting... I worked my way through the darkness but still no sleep would come... I was grateful for the dawn coming through the trees and the stirring of the perfect little body snuggled up beside me...
So morning calls for action and I took him to our family doctor who first asked about the stress in my wee boy's life -- could he be being bullied at pre-school !?!? Said he sees these symptoms caused from bullying... And I felt relief as all the subsequent questions I could firmly answer with no... Virtually no stress in my boy's life. But then he checked him out and his words "enlarged spleen" and "enlarged liver" brought all my worst fears to the forefront. I spent the morning in x-ray labs and letting strangers stick needles into my boy to pull out his blood... and am left to wait for our appointment with a pediatrician and the lab results to come in... to know whether it's the "best-case-scenario" of a congenital abnormality of bone structure that will have to be coaxed back around with braces and physio and patience... or the "worst-case-scenarios" of bone infections or bone cancer...
As I wait, moment-by-moment struggling to release my fears and stay grounded in strength and courage and trust, I am continually deeply grateful to my wee boy's Grandpa who REALLY saw my child. He didn't just
spend time with my boy, he was always really THERE with him, truly present. Wow. What a gift to all of us, that man is!!!
So? please light a candle for my boy and say a prayer for his perfect health and for an extra dose of courage for his mama... I'd be so grateful if you would... xo
