Drizzly, Chizzly Autumn

Hard to believe that it's October tomorrow. I have to admit I've been struggling a lot this past month. I'm not sure why. It all started around the time I returned from Alberta (first of the month -- I'm hoping it was a September thing and I'll wake up good as new tomorrow morning! he he) I've been feeling really tired. Tired to the point of not being able to get my words out coherently, my mind completely muddled and fuzzy, and my patience absolutely nil. Any homeopathic practitioners reading my blog? Here are my symptoms: I've had a sore throat every night when I go to bed, my skin is very dry and itchy, I'm having breakouts on my face, I have achey joints and nausea at night, I feel chilled to the bone nearly all the time, the whites of my eyes are red in the morning, and I've had a headache nearly all the time. The thing is, it's all come in waves. It was so bad for a week or so that I went to see my medical doctor and got my thyroid tested (0.45 -- normal). Then I felt better for awhile and decided it might have been my slowly cutting out coffee from my diet. But after the side-effects of coffee withdrawals subsided it came back. I sought out my naturopathic doctor this time and I got my ferritin levels checked (haven't got the results yet).
The worst part is that I've been really short with my kids. And I don't know about you, but in my world there's nothing worse than going to bed at night feeling horrible about my mothering skills for that day... aaagh.
Some of my friends have been trying to help me figure out what this could be and here are some of the guesses:
1. A virus. Apparently you can have the beginnings of a coldy-type-flu for weeks at a time and never really get terribly sick, but feel this way.
2. Feelings manifesting into physical symptoms. This could be the result of several things:
a) Pedar weaned while we were in Alberta (it was very gradual and I didn't think it was a hard thing for me) which means I'm not breastfeeding now for the first time in nearly 6 years. Could my body be attempting to land me in a lovely 5 star spa in the tropics somewhere in order to refill my bare cupboards? he he he
b) Also, my grandma has been really ill. She fell and cracked her scapula and then got so constipated from the codeine they were giving her that she ended up in the hospital for that. I don't think I'll ever come to terms with the fact that she is SO alone in her old age. I continue to carry such guilt that I didn't make a stand for her and bring her to live with me. It fills me up SO much to go and crawl into bed with her even if she can't really talk much and just moans softly as I caress her face... I've gone around and around with this one and think I've come to terms with my choice to leave her where she is and just fill her up the best I can when I see her. But I really haven't. I don't know how I ever could. NOBODY should have to gradually die the way she is, surrounded by none of your own people. I've posted about this lots of times before. Andrea guessed that this could be affecting me like a virus...
c) I did the Landmark Forum on that second wknd in September. I cleared up SO many unhealthy thought processes that were holding me back from having really clear, healthy relationships with my extended families. I think I needed that wknd to last about a month. There's another post hiding there...
and
3. What about physical issues manifesting into feelings? Andrea asked me, when I got my head shaved, if I had "crown issues"? Crown issues? What are crown issues? Well, I'm still not sure, but I do know that I've always had to chain myself to the chair to EVER get a haircut. It's never been a joyful or relaxing experience for me. Ever. And after every haircut I've ever received I've had a little cry! Truly! Even the really great haircuts that I've loved! So, perhaps I have crown issues. And then to go in and have my head SHAVED? Maybe I'm like Samson (wasn't it Samson?) and held all my power in my hair? he he he I'm laughing, but what if there really is something to that?
I really don't know what's going on. I've just entered my moon time and it's a really heavy flow. Perhaps it'll all work its way out this way... I'd welcome any insights that might have come up for you here...

Back

Oh yes! Indeed, I am back and in fact have been for weeks. Autumn has truly landed here, even if it isn't official for 5 more days. To me, Fall means introducing a timer into our days. Like many of you, in summer, we truly sometimes are outside nonstop for days (camping at the beach), and certainly are USUALLY outside from sun-up until sun-down. We eat outside, play outside, work outside, and this little computer box gets seriously neglected. Weather changes all that: winds (that's what's happening right now that's brought me indoors), the dipping temperatures, the rains (oh we so need some moisture right now!). Late summer demands indoor time to squirrel away our garden bounty for winter, but that's not work that tolerates more than a peek or two at the computer screen. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'll be posting a lot more regularly now.
In the meantime, race over to the blog of four very inspirational women and enter their contests (you have to scroll down, there are four posts, four prizes, four comments you need to leave to enter) and mention you got there from here and if I win I'll share the fun, okay? Go! It's a fabulous blog. I get so many food, book, sewing, knitting, philosophy inspirations from these ladies!

We're off...

Just a quick farewell. Kids and I are leaving our little oasis on a little adventure. Crossing over the mountains to my dear friend's mum's funeral. Very sad. Cancer. She was an incredible woman, died too young, but really lived while she had the chance.

See you in a few days...

August Activities

The garden is overflowing!!!

And so is the pantry and freezer.

PLUSEQUALS

THIS! Cool, huh? Frenched beans for the freezer.

Annika's garden is highly productive too. Her largest cuke.

My hair is growing as fast as the garden... already over an inch long!

My cousin and her lovely partner paid us a visit and filled up our hearts...

Pedar's becoming quite the little photographer...

A bumblebee on the left, a honeybee top left. Wish I could've got a wasp in the photo too. Too many people don't know the difference...

We hosted a fun birthday party for my sister-in-law... A crazy-hat party.

And had lots of fun with cousins visiting from Alberta. Dress-up, wiener roasts, train rides...

Even a surprise visit from Annika's oldest friend. Sophia was born 6 months before Annika and was her first friend.

And Annika and I attended a crazy dress-up party first of the month.

A magical night On Top of The World...

This is our favourite place to meet daddy for a picnic after work. It's full of magic and wonder and frogs and toads and turtles and birds and weasels and deer and bear! We've seen them all, and lots of them. Even our food tastes better up here! Especially the peach pie we took, still warm from the oven. The Okanagan has to be one of the most amazing places to live, on earth, especially with all of this incredible local fruit, this time of year! This hill-top is truly a mystical place, and the best spot in town to watch the sun go down!

Gladness and Sadness in July

We were SO excited to see a yellow-bellied flycatcher nesting under the eave of our barn, we did a little song and dance in a circle under the nest every day. The day the baby (seemed to be just one!?) hatched, we were giddy with joy. Imagine how we were by the day the little bird took its first flight, us 3 crouched against the barn holding our breath... What we didn't know was that someone more sinister was also watching and holding her breath..... Yup. Our cat. OH! How we wailed when we caught her with our sweet little baby in her mouth... We had a funeral and wept tears of anger and sadness, the little mother flycatcher singing her mournful song in the tree directly above us. We each said a little prayer and it thrilled my heart to hear the sweet gratitude of my children for the Great Mother and the comfort and joy she gives my wee ones. They were both blessing this little bird on its next journey and assuring its mother that it would soon rejoin her...

We thoroughly enjoyed our strawberry and raspberry harvests this year. Our freezer is heavy with both. I wanted to make a combination of black currant/rasp/strawberry saft, so we went picking bc's with friends and made up 3 lovely jars for winter sipping. Delicious!

My beautiful friend from highschool found the love of her life and we got to attend her wedding. She's had a rough time since our carefree days of indulgence living in Pakistan with servants and drivers and all... She's overcome SO much, she inspires me just to think of her. Her brother ended his own life, her first marriage ended in disappointment, her mother has suffered a multitude of strokes, and Jill was the victim of a brutal break-and-enter and very nearly lost her life. She's scarred, physically and emotionally, but the beauty of her spirit shines so brightly through her eyes my heart squeezes every time I think of her. I couldn't help thinking, as I watched Annika enraptured watching this beautiful ceremony that things could have been very very different. When I was Annika's age I sat weeping through a funeral of a friend of my mother's who hadn't been so lucky in escaping her attacker. Thank you, Great Mother, for protecting my dear friend. Thank you for her spirit, her courage, her strength and her beauty that inspires us all.

BIG change for me in July

Long long time ago I was listening to the Dalai Llama speak about vanity and how much it controls us, if we let it. No direct quotes here, but he was describing the release from superficial beauty that women experience when they shave their heads (a rite of passage to becoming a Buddhist). I decided right then that at some point in my life I would shave my head. I'd been brought up to be very very attached to my hair. Many women in the religion never let scissors touch their hair (and with locks down past their feet they suffered from migraines and neck problems!) My first real haircut wasn't until I was in my 20's, and I cried every time I got my hair cut, not from guilt, but from detachment.
Fast forward to a few months ago, the conversation was on breast cancer. Someone there said the thing that scared them the most was not the chemo or the cancer itself but the prospect of losing her hair. I was stunned. I wondered aloud at the culture that nurtures such attachment to HAIR! I began looking at myself differently in the mirror, trying to see the REAL ME, beneath the superficial distraction of my hair. Then, this beautiful woman took the plunge and called me minutes after, still feeling the release of her detachment. That was enough for me. I decided right then that it was time for me to meet mySELF. For too long I've been a head, with a body attached. I talk about my body like it's not really myself. I stare into the mirror, getting my head ready to go out, make-up, hair foofed, then throw on some clothes and out I go with hardly a glance at my body. I wanted to come down into my body. I wanted to be my WHOLE SELF. And more than anything, I wanted to GET STRONG.
So began the process of talking my kids into supporting my big decision. I talked to them about all these ideas and they came on board very quickly. Next came my spouse. I told him he didn't have any say in the matter, that this was the start of me being strong, and I was only telling him beforehand (the evening before) so that he didn't freak out when he saw me. I explained to him how I live in this strong head with a weak body attached and needed to change all that. He got what I was talking about and the next morning we embarked on my new adventure. Here's the pictorial, recorded by my darling daughter:

EXHILARATING! The freedom! I was instantly my whole self. I AM my body. I am all of me. It has been an amazing experience for me... The reactions have been interesting, but I have felt very supported by my family and closest friends. What else matters? My kids at different times decided they wanted theirs shaved off too, but didn't want to go to the barber. I don't have clippers, so gave them each short haircuts instead. Pretty fun...