Good-Bye 2006!!!

The end of the year. And what a year it's been! I feel incredibly blessed... Wish I could post a bunch of photos as a send-out but I'm having trouble with my blogger account (I can't log in on my own computer -- any suggestions for how to fix it?), so just this for now.

Christmas Expedition

Every year we venture down to the creek with hot choc in the backpack, pulling our lovely old European sled to collect branches from our cedar grove.

This is A&P "warming" their hands on A's pretend fire.

They each had to take their own backpack.
A's has her baby tagging along, of course.
And in P's? his bobcat.

This is our beloved, beautiful Penny.
She always accompanies us on expeditions abroad...

Annika pulling the bounty, Pedar eating snow... mmmmmmm

And the results of our labour.
All made from our own trees: hemlock, cedar, spruce, pine, fir, grape ivy.
We are so blessed.

Our door swag complete with a bit of whimsy (grinning reindeer balls. ahem! i mean bells! tee hee!).
It's snowing tonight. And inside the fires are burning warm...

I LOVE this time of year!!!

(We can't put boughs on the mantle as the fan blows up and they dry out in about 2 days creating a fire hazard... Tree is fine there though, doesn't get the heat blowing onto it. )

Not so little anymore

I can't believe how quickly Annika is becoming a big girl... I have to admit it both thrills and scares me. She is such her own little person. She's delighted with braids today (she had an enormous knot in the back of her hair that looked like it might have to be cut out -- thank goodness for good leave-in conditioner/detangler!) and her new jeans she got from her Oma. She adores pockets, and these ones have SIX pockets! She's got little things in almost all of them...

A Celebration with our tribe...

On Thursday we had a little celebration for Annika's 5th birthday, inviting our homelearner friends that we feel most comfortable with. It was such a delight. It just felt like a celebration is supposed to feel: comfortable, easy, fun, joyful, and like we didn't want it to end... We ate, we opened presents, we blew out candles, we sang, we cheered, we built gingerbread houses (out of graham crackers, which is NOT as easy as it looks in the Dec. issue of Martha Stewart!!!!!), and some of us sledded until well after dark. And here's the kicker: when I came back into my kitchen after the last guest was gone? Well, you could hardly tell I'd had guests! More like family (or how you wish your family was... ha! ha!) They'd washed every dish, put the food away, cleaned up the toys... so we could just relax and enjoy the aftermath of celebrating with people we want MORE of in our lives... So often when people come, Annika is left feeling overwhelmed and jittery and takes a long time to calm down. And, okay, me too. But not this time. We just cuddled on the couch with big smiles on our faces, feeling blessed to have such good friends in our lives...

What I've Been Working On

This is sweetP, the doll I've made for Pedar for christmas. It's from the Wee Wonderful's Archie pattern and was so much fun to make. Harder than it looked, though! Maybe because I chose for him to wear jeans, pleather shoes and have mohair! And I've always loved the way LoobyLu draws eyes, so I tried to do something similar. He's soft and cuddly and I hope he wears well. I love the way he's turned out. He'll be a surprise for Pedar under the tree. There is an Olivia girl pattern too, and I want to make one for Annika, but might have to be in the New Year when she can pick out the fabrics...


And today I worked on a couple of kiddie aprons made out of vintage doilies and dresser scarves. One is for Annika's cousin, Rane for Christmas, the other is a surprise for Annika. The DK kids cookbooks were highly recommended to me, so those are on the list as well...
So fun to have a little time to spend in my craft room!!

Saturday Morning Music

Music is SUCH a huge part of my life, my memories, my moods... music is pure magic in my life.
I hadn't heard of Regina Spektor before, but I LOVE her voice. And love the last part of the video SO much. A must watch on this playful snowey Saturday.
I love weekends... We're off to make snow caterpillars outside. wanna come? fuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!

Photos from Annika's Saturday birthday party

Every year she chooses her cake. This year she wanted an igloo (she decided on this long before she found THE one in the Martha Stewart December mag.) She's SO fun to make things for.

p.s. that's the polar bear she made (on the far right) out of the marzipan. That's why the penguins looked so shocked -- "WHAT is a polar bear doing here in penguin land?!?!?!"

Playing catch up...

I finally sorted out how this new photo program works, so will catch up with a few photos I've been promising people...

Tree Fun

Getting our tree is one of our favourite things every year. We didn't 'believe' in Christmas when I was growing up, so now I'm probably the strongest believer I know in Father Christmas, the whole tree thing and everything else in between. Christmas has nothing to do with Christianity for me. I'll post about that later.

We planted a bunch of new trees this year. Annika did most of it and is very proud of them. She takes care of them like they're her pets. So cute!

The Kim's

I have been so affected by the tragic ordeal the Kim's faced. I can't take a deep breath when I think about them. I feel so achey and panicky and deeply sad. I can't imagine what they went through in those long days before anyone could rescue them... I can't imagine the pain they felt when the dad decided to go off to look for help. And I can't breathe when I think of the agony they felt when they heard he didn't survive.
I urge you to read Patti's post on this. And especially this amazing link. Maybe it will be just the words to keep one of us from facing similar pain.
And in the meantime, hug your kids, sit with them, read to them, appreciate your family, and never miss an opportunity to kiss your partner.

Happy St. Nicholas' Eve

This is the first year we've celebrated this fun day. We spent the afternoon listening to Christmas carols and baking gingerbread people. Then tonight we snuck out under the full moon and left them on a few friends' and neighbours' steps. It was SUCH fun! We giggled and hooted so hard our sides ached. We all LOVED sneaking around in the dark leaving goodies for people! Annika wanted to do the sneak at her cousin's house. So P and me stayed in the car while A snuck stealthily up their sidewalk. But her aunt saw something out the window and just as A had placed the package and was starting to stand up to knock on the door, her aunt's head appeared in the window. I've never seen A run so fast in all her life. Her eyes were as big as the moon and she ran down the sidewalk, RIGHT PAST the car and kept going! I was laughing so hard I could barely drive. Her heart was pounding and she had to be coaxed back around to doing the neck few sneaks. What fun. The only problem was the recipe I used (Donna Hay) was SO good that we ate far too many and ended up not being able to do all the sneaks we had planned...

Five Years Ago...

My world changed and I can hardly remember what it was like before I became a mother.
I just can't believe how blessed I am...

Update on weeP

So, we've been to see the pediatrician twice now, had more blood drawn from our wee boy than I knew was in him, had 7 x-rays taken and an extensive ultrasound and ??
Nada. We know he doesn't have a whole whack of scarey things, but we don't know anything conclusively as yet. A few of the blood tests aren't back yet, so there still could be something there. But I'm thinking there won't be. The biggest result for me was getting back the muscular dystrophy marker as normal. It was slightly higher than normal, but I was assured that it was still a "negative" result. YAY! And the pediatrician thinks his bones will straighten a good bit on their own once the femur heads rotate (normal development).
So now we're starting with a naturopathic doctor (Dr. DeMonte) here in town. Annika's tummy has been troubling her for about a year now (but getting much worse in the last couple of months) and this doctor says she has an infection in her ileocecal valve. Maybe Pedar has something similar? I don't know, but I feel SO much HOPE for both of them... That we'll all be feeling good and sleeping better in no time flat... I suppose I could have gone to her first and maybe saved some angst and worry? No, I don't think so. I think I had to do it this way -- see what the allopathic system could offer before going to the naturopathic. We've already had the "they put an electronic probe on her toe and now you know she shouldn't be eating wheat? realllly?" a few times. And I can look them in the eye and know that this is the route to take. With Pedar, I might have always been wondering if we'd missed something... I have so much peace in my heart, now, and hope in my spirit. It's like a huge load has been lifted. Aaaaah!
Thank you SO much for all your prayers and vibes and thoughts and blessings. I'm sure it was the miracle I was hoping for. xoxo

Learning the Hard Way...

I am spatially challenged, so even armed with a tape measure, I can't "see" what rearranged furniture is going to look like until I have it rearranged. My husband, being the engineer that he is, finds this beyond irksome. And so, I usually have to rearrange furniture on my own. In fact, in the 13 years we've been together, I think we've happily rearranged ONE room together, ONCE.
Guess what I'm doing today?
Yup. Rearranging. Beds, this time. Again.
BR made wee P his very own toddler bed this summer, and ever since then we've had troubles with sleeping arrangements. Annika has always been a very good sleeper, and happy to sleep in her own space and in her own room. Pedar wasn't quite sleeping in his own space just yet, but showing signs of willingness and desire. So the bed was made to provide him with his own space in their shared room, even if only to sit on to read or play with his cars. Annika was delighted with this new arrangement, having her wee brother's bed RIGHT beside hers. BUT! When that bed was empty every night, she didn't like it one bit. Pedar wasn't happy to sleep there right off the bat, and somehow just having the empty bed there made Annika anxious. For awhile we were dragging her little mattress into our room each night to sleep beside me on the floor. But that didn't quite suffice either, as she was 1 foot off the floor, and I was up on our big nest bed close to the ceiling, or so it seemed to both of us. And when we tried to bump daddy and sleep 2 kids and mummy in the nest, it didn't work either. Kids were bumping into each other and nobody was getting much sleep. So about a month ago, I retired (for now) the beautiful nest bed, that Brent made for us the weeks before Annika was born. I put the king mattresses on the floor, hauled up a single to go along beside, and we slept there quite happily, everyone sleeping better than we had for weeks. Well, except daddy. Well, and Pedar, who was going through his troubles with whatever it was/is, and Brent couldn't sleep alongside his tossing, turning, moaning little body. But wee P has calmed down considerably most nights, and so I am totally rearranging beds again. I am making our big room the "sleeping room" for everyone. I have put the single bed into the kids' shared room, moved their 2 little toddler beds into our room making more room to play in their room, which is now the "play room". And I'm HOPING that they will sleep happily in their own wee beds next to our big bed in our room.
Oh, but yes, the spatially challenged thing... I somehow measured out that we could fit a queen mattress alongside the 2 toddler beds, all side-by-side like, keeping our sleeping-in-one-big-bed feeling going. So I hauled the king mattresses downstairs, half the queen mattresss upstairs, and then realized that that didn't work. But not before I tried to squeeze them in on all 3 available walls. Urgh!
So then I asked Annika if she thought she could sleep toe-to-toe in her little bed (pushed with the footboard up against Pedar's footboard) with Pedar's, and she said yes! So now I have all this space and am taking a breath here before hauling the queen BACK downstairs and the kings back UPstairs...
But that's just how I am. If I hadn't TRIED it every which way, I wouldn't be convinced that it wouldn't work. And so now you see where BR's frustration comes in... He can just KNOW that it WON'T work in his head and doesn't like to oblige with the experimentation "just in case".
And what am I going to do if Annika decides she CAN'T sleep unless we're all in a line? I hear there's a great cabin in the woods somewhere closeby. I could sleep THERE! he he

two sizes too small...

I don't think I've ever hit the last week of November SO COMPLETELY uninspired before.
I'm usually all abuzz with ideas for Annika's birthday (on the 4th) and chomping at the bit to start Solstice and Feastmas celebrations (determined to take the Christ OUT of Christmas...). But here I am wandering around feeling empty and blah as can be, no inspired thoughts bouncing in my echoey head, and only slight jolts when I realize what the date REALLY is. I haven't even taken down our Autumn decorations, a subconscious effort, I'm sure to slow the weeks dowwwwwwwwn.
What's going on? Well, I think it has a lot to do with the huge energy drains that have recently occured. Plus unresolved holiday plans. I'm a plan-girl. We neeeeed a plan!
I'm definitely in need of serious inspiration. There are birthday plans to be drawn up, urgently! Baking to be started, presents to be made, presents to be bought, songs to be sung, lights to be strung, cedar to be cut and strung... Every year around this time I hear people saying "I just can't seem to get into the spirit" and I think really? that never happens to me! Yeah, well, never say never! It's happening and I'm thinking I'm eventually going to have to settle for panic in the place of seasonal spirit.
And maybe a good kick in the pants. Anyone? Anyone?

p.s. Here's a thought. Maybe the Grinch just needed some empathy? he he he

Swirling...

I've discovered again how much I love squirreling away for winter... Each Autumn it surprises me all over again how much joy this gives me! This batch was pickles! Carrots (from our garden) and eggplant pickle/relish (also from our garden).
But as I've been preparing for long winter nights, my mind has been jarred into the reminder of the brevity of life. We spend so much time and energy wishing things were different than they are... our bodies and relationships in our 20's, our relationships and our careers in our 30's, and that's as far as i've gotten... but then before you know it you're 66 and dead. That's how old my uncle was when he didn't wake up from his sleep yesterday morning. At birth he had the same value as any other wee soul. His mother adored him just like she should...

But the first part of his life was to be one of chaos and the choices he made caused a great deal of pain... And that part of his life is what so many in his family remember. But there is more. Different. He died in an accident, had a profound experience, came back, and was a changed man, full of love and acceptance and full of the wonder of life.
It took me a long time to forgive this man, but forgive I did, and even formed a strange but quite beautiful relationship with him over the miles. When his brother died (my dad), he was SO happy for my dad. His own near-death experience left him excited for the day it would happen for real... and so... I don't feel sad for him. But just like in the beginning of his life, at the end he is a soul worthy of mourning and missing and loving... He left behind some beautiful photos taken early on in his life, and just a general feeling of unconditional love. This photo is how I'm imagining him on his new adventure on the other side... What a beautiful man, hey? And this time around the chaos inside his mind is gone, and he's just full of love and light...
Good-bye Laffing Wolfe. Thank you for the photos and the laughter and the insight and the hugs. I hope this winter is beautiful wherever you are and that you have all the carrot pickles you can eat. Give my dad one of your big bear-hugs for me. Thank you for loving me. I forgive you and I love you too.

Oooooooooooo Oooooooooooo

HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone!

My little girl is a veeerrrry scarey BAT and her wee brother is a scurrrvy pirate. Their dad is a scarrrey pirate and their mum is a very good witch... If we manage to get a family photo I'll post it tomorrow. I made some caramel popcorn it is soooooo yummy it's scarey! hee! Annika throws up when she eats supermarket chocolate, so I'm hoping this big bowl will keep her away from the junk... Hope everyone is having lots of frightful fun tonight...

xoxo

Perspective

Last night I put all the pieces of the puzzle together for my wee little Pedar and realized that something is very wrong with his legs. He's been falling a lot, refusing to walk a lot, people have started commenting on how knock-kneed he is, he's not eating well or sleeping well... Over the last few weeks I've easily found reasons and partial solutions for all of those things -- he's getting his eye-teeth and last molars, he's a cuddle-bug and I was so okay with him wanting to be on my hip all the time, and I took him to the chiropractor for an adjustment and the falling seemed to lessen... and my mum had knock knees, so I found his endearing...
But Pedar's Grandpa kept insisting that he was limping, questioning his gait, and last night I finally let myself really hear him. When I put all the signs together my world seemed to crash in around me. How could there be ANYthing wrong with my sonshine? No sleep last night as I lay with my tears and fears and regrets... I prayed out loud and found the sound of my voice so comforting. I forgave myself for my impatience with him, my trouble with his squabbles with his sister, and drove away all the fears and regrets that inevitably come on a dark night when there's no moon and only the sound of dogs howling and owls hooting... I worked my way through the darkness but still no sleep would come... I was grateful for the dawn coming through the trees and the stirring of the perfect little body snuggled up beside me...
So morning calls for action and I took him to our family doctor who first asked about the stress in my wee boy's life -- could he be being bullied at pre-school !?!? Said he sees these symptoms caused from bullying... And I felt relief as all the subsequent questions I could firmly answer with no... Virtually no stress in my boy's life. But then he checked him out and his words "enlarged spleen" and "enlarged liver" brought all my worst fears to the forefront. I spent the morning in x-ray labs and letting strangers stick needles into my boy to pull out his blood... and am left to wait for our appointment with a pediatrician and the lab results to come in... to know whether it's the "best-case-scenario" of a congenital abnormality of bone structure that will have to be coaxed back around with braces and physio and patience... or the "worst-case-scenarios" of bone infections or bone cancer...
As I wait, moment-by-moment struggling to release my fears and stay grounded in strength and courage and trust, I am continually deeply grateful to my wee boy's Grandpa who REALLY saw my child. He didn't just spend time with my boy, he was always really THERE with him, truly present. Wow. What a gift to all of us, that man is!!!
So? please light a candle for my boy and say a prayer for his perfect health and for an extra dose of courage for his mama... I'd be so grateful if you would... xo

The Other Side of the Moon...

When I feel adequate support in my life, I feel like nothing can stop me from living my best life. When I feel inadequate support, the dark side of the moon pulls me with a magnetism that leaves me struggling for my every breath. It isn't bad. It's just the other side of my life. But because I am such a pleaser, it is SO difficult for me to EMBRACE this other side. I want only goodness, only sunshine, only the me that has everything together and can get through anything. It is so difficult for me to accept the 4th Agreement and just accept that THIS is my best at this moment. That's where my peace lies just now: "Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret."
Every one of my struggles always comes down to my needing more support.
So this is what I'm looking at right now... what I'm manifesting... support in any and all forms.

Careful what you wish for!!!

I can't imagine ANYTHING more amazing to attend than THIS. Just this morning as I was pondering what BIG thing to manifest into my life (tell me you've watched The Secret by now??) And one of the first thing that popped into my mind was to meet Patti Digh! And then I got a few minutes to catch up on my favourite blog and ... How far away is Asheville??? Would anyone consider coming with me???