Life is Messy

The other day I went to a new friend's house, unexpectedly, first thing in the morning (she was helping me test my wee P's blood glucose levels) and her house was a mess. I mean a real mess, the kind of mess I never let my house get. She was cheerful and relaxed and mentioned just once that she'd just gotten back from being away a week and didn't offer any excuses except to say "we really LIVE here" and that was that. And they do live there. They operate their 2 businesses out of their home, 2 of their 4 children homeschool, and they have a dog and a cat. What I found in that visit was that I really focused on my friend. I wasn't looking around admiring the artwork on the walls or the colour of her countertops, I was focused purely on HER and her amazing, generous, wisewoman, goddess heart.
I was changed that day. I've been thinking about what it really means to LIVE in my house, in my body, in my world, in my life ever since. Do I REALLY LIVE HERE??? Or am I so focused on keeping my world tidy and pretty and clean and organized that I've forgotten how to truly LIVE?! Unfortunately, I think my reality is closer to the latter, but I'm feeling a deep shift within me that is changing that forever...
We have lived in this house for 2 years now and have intended and still do intend to change a lot of things in it -- the flooring, move some walls, put in geothermal heating, extend the deck, etc. So this has been my excuse for not making every inch of my home liveable. My basement, for instance, is not useable because I'm waiting for the geothermal to go in so we can finish the floors so we can sort things out so we can... so we can live here. NO MORE.
I have also gotten stuck on what is the right thing to do from a design/architectural point of view. Not wanting to do the wrong thing, I have done nothing, waiting for an architect from on-high to swoop in and show me all the right decisions to make... NO MORE.
THIS IS MY SPACE. This is my home. This is my body. This is my world. This is my life. This is my chance to live MY BEST LIFE and nobody anywhere knows how to do that better than I do.
This is what my best life looks like:
It is not always pretty or always clean or always organized or even always inviting to others. It is full of laughter and messy crafts and candle wax on the floor. It is pots of steaming hot healthy food shared with my family under the glow of candles and Raffi crooning in the background. It is water marks on the floor from a good splash in the bath, it is crumbs on the floor from encouraging my children to bake their own cakes and measure the flour by themselves because that is what they really want to do. It is bare floors with mismatched furniture and children's art on the walls and rugs tossed here and there because this is what works for us right now. It is a bed unmade and the covers rumpled and ruffed up because of lots of loving and tickling and stories in bed with my children... not to mention lots of loving with my husband. And that bed is USED all through the day, for comforting, for stories, for naps and cuddles...
I DON'T want a pretty bed, I want a bed that invites us into snuggle and love each other. I DON'T want a rack full of fabulous CD's, I want dances in the living room, singing our hearts out in the kitchen, really living and hearing the music on the CD's we have. I DON'T want fabulous coordinating placemats and blossom shaped plates, I want my table piled with food and love and joy with no notice of what is holding up the food or the drink. I DON'T want drawers and closets full of to-die-for clothes and shoes and the like. I want a bag with enough pockets for all our treasures, a pair of pants I can wear anywhere and won't show drool and kisses too much, t-shirts that move with my body and brighten up my face when I reach for them, and a sweater that was knit with love and warms my body from the outside in when I cuddle into it. I want a body that wants to live in swimsuits on the hot summer days, but I don't want 7 swimsuits to have to choose from, I want 2, one to wear, one to dry. I want home-sewn skirts and hand-knit sweaters and hand-me-down shirts on my children. I want them to choose the colours and get excited about getting a new skirt instead of opening up their drawer to find 5 jean skirts to choose from and 8 white shirts and 10 different hued purple t-shirts...
The best thing of all? I realize that I have EVERYTHING I need to live my best life. And if there's something else I discover I need? I can usually use something else that I already have to fill its place! I've just finished sewing up 2 little aprons and 2 little skirts for a swap with a new friend and it's been such a gift to me (despite the people who love me most being rightfully concerned about my priorities and how I'm spending the toooooo little free time I have ;o)) because I have been reminded of how satisfying it is to make something with love and bits of this and that... My children have been sick enough that we haven't been able to leave the house in days, which normally would mean I'd have to put a project like that off until I could get to the store to get the right supplies. Right? Wrong! Don't have enough ladybug fabric to make a skirt? Add something stripey to make it long enough! Don't have proper binding for an apron? Use wide string!
Another part of all of this coming to a head is because it was my goddess Grannie's birthday on Sunday. My very sick little dd and I lay in bed all day cuddling and talking about who my Grannie was (she died before my daughter was born). And in that process I suddenly remembered who I really was before I moved here and got insecure about having things presentable to my husband's family and friends... My Grannie's favourite saying was: "Use it up, wear it out, make it do or DO WITHOUT." I plan to teach that motto to my children by me truly deeply LIVING it.
My best life isn't about Costco or sales racks or Ikea or the mall. My best life is about REALLY LIVING HERE in every sense of those words, as simple and full of joy as possible. BEST LIFE, here I come!!!!

less frazzled...

Yes, indeed, life has become a lot less frazzled lately. Mostly due to the fact that we are under voluntary house arrest from Annika's sad throat. "Why is my throat so sad, mummy?" she asked me last night. Your throat is sad? "Yes! it's so sad it's crying and i'm having a hard time swallowing its tears!" And she took a big gulp of the flem sliding down the back of her throat. She was up every 40 minutes or so all night long, herself crying from her very sore, sad throat. I'd give her a sip of rooibos tea or lemon water and she'd slide back into a restless, feverish sleep. I don't often find it necessary to force my children's fevers down with ibuprophen or the like, and hers broke on its own around 5 this morning. It's nearly 11 and she's still sleeping, as I would like to be!!! Pedar slept in his own bed for the first time in months -- and I found myself wondering if his angels were rocking him, holding him, comforting him in order that I could attend to his sister. I said a prayer of thanks, knowing that something extraordinary was going on...
I went to a talk by Alfie Kohn, author of "Unconditional Parenting" last week and his powerful words and passionate stories have revolutionized my life. Of course I wish I had learned all this long before I ever started parenting, but perhaps I wasn't ready for the concepts then. I'm not even going to try to summarize his wisdom here, but I feel very powerfully that every parent should be forced (!) to read his book or watch the DVD under the same name.
Just one quote that sings in my head: "There is something inherently STUPID about trying to make children into better people by making them feel bad." okay, one more "The more you use power to try to control your children, the less influence you will have on their lives. "
And so! It's been an adventure, this week, reparenting myself by choosing in each moment to respect and honour my children, choosing to be their compassionate ally instead of their dictator... Choosing to put my vision of who I want them to be as adults (kind, generous, loving, self-actualized, joyful, self-confident, passionate, aware, ethical, responsible, empathic, healthy, creative, free...) ahead of how I want them to behave as children. Not that this hasn't been the goal all along! But something in his message finally rang the bell deep enough within me to really initiate deep and lasting (!) change...
Hallellujah!

the witching hour

Every day between 4 and 5 my day seems to fall apart. my wee boy usually poops (again) around that time and it's usually a big stinky messy one that stinks up the house and while at noon Pedar peeing AND pooping in his high chair seemed amusing if not a big make-work project, nothing seems funny during this witching hour. the floor is always a big mess by this time of day, with my barefeet sucking up all the crumbs and mis-fired staples and sticky spots of baby-boy drool. despite my constant picking-up throughout the day as well as the inter-mingled "clean-up time" calls being happily cooperated with, my children have too many small toys and they are spread alllll over our too-big house. by this time, the day's laundry is washed and dried and a big hamper full is waiting to be folded. the kids and i are all weary from the day and hungry and while a small healthy snack makes a little difference, it's an early supper they're wanting. but daddy's arrival home is still at least an hour or two away.
my perspective on my life starts to get cranky and the easy smile and lightness to my step has evaporated into dread about what to make for supper. it feels, at this time of day, that i've done well to make it this far with all the adventures of growing, curious, emotional, demanding children and it seems beyond my emotional reach to now be responsible for the nutritional needs of my family as well.
the waiting game begins for my relief to come and the closer it gets to 6, the more it seems impossible for me to be the cheerful, encouraging, welcoming, loving wife i've easily managed to be all day.
What I need (?) / want (?) is a hot bath, a delicious dinner cooked by someone else and a lovely sensual massage. But my reality is cooking dinner for 3 people with different desires/tastes, dishes, bath-time, bed-time, clean-up, and flopping into bed desperate for enough uninterrupted sleep to wake up ready for another amazing day of motherhood at its finest...
aaah, the witching hour. is it just the stay-at-home mother that experiences this? or is it the same no matter your occupation?

Mother is a VERB, not a noun.

I just read that in the newest O magazine. How profound is that?! How freeing! Think of other verbs, take skiing, now that the olympics have started. If you're a skiier, then you ski. But would you ever judge yourself based on one run? one race? one sprint? even one day? You wouldn't decide that you were a failure because you didn't have a good day skiing. And nobody else would either. Yet with this mothering thing, we go to bed and berate ourselves for having a less-than-stellar day. But if we take the noun out of this job and make it only a verb, then we can be gentler and kinder to ourselves. It frees us up to be all that we are instead of how we perform on just one task. This all made so much more sense in my head than it is now that it's typed...
But just think! While there's no medals for mothering, that I'm aware of, that just means that it's not a competition! So, no big awards night because this is NOT A COMPETITION. Thank goddess...

Me

According to the people who love me (I sent an email asking them to describe me in one word and one word ONLY), I am a strong, wise, loving, spiritual, beautiful, soothing, generous, deep, magical, earthy, intuitive, extraordinary mother. I received 12 adjectives and 1 noun. INTERESTING! And very inspiring. Thank you!!!

BE.... Do..... have

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first BE who you really are, then DO what you need to do, in order to HAVE what you really want." - Margaret Young

Doing a lot of soul-work so far this year and definitely starting to feel the powerful effects of tending my inner garden. Sarah Ban Breathnach says happiness is just one of the many living emotions that grows in the garden of our soul, one that needs to be tended like any living thing. We have to pull out the weeds of external expectations in order to nurture our own internal happiness. How profound is that?!
She talks about deciphering between what we NEED and what we WANT. And another book I'm reading sheds light on what needs truly are. Here's a list, are you ready?
1. Autonomy: choosing our own dreams/goals/values as well as the plans for fulfilling them
2. Celebration: celebrate the creation of life & dreams fulfilled as well as celebrating the losses of loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)
3. Integrity: authenticity, creativity, meaning, self-worth
4. Physical Nurturance: air, food, movement, health, rest, sex, shelter, touch, water
5. Play: fun, laughter
6. Spiritual Communion: beauty, harmony, inspiration, peace, order
7. Interdependence: acceptance, appreciation, closeness, community, consideration, contribution, emotional safety, empathy, honesty, love, reassurance, respect, support, trust, understanding.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those are NEEDS. not wants. those are what we NEEEEEEED in order to be healthy on every level. And here is a list of feelings you'll feel when those needs ARE fulfilled: amazed, confident, energetic, glad, inspired, joyous, optimistic, eager, relieved, surprised, touched, comfortable, fulfilled, hopeful, intrigued, moved, proud, stimulated, thankful, trustful
And here's what you feel when your needs are NOT fulfilled: angry, confused, disappointed, distressed, frustrated, hopeless, irritated, nervous, puzzled, sad, annoyed, concerned, discouraged, embarrassed, helpless, impatient, lonely, overwhelmed, reluctant, uncomfortable.

So here we go through life thinking that our feelings just HAPPEN to us when it is simply not so. It's like any garden -- your plants never flop over just because. There's always a reason, some need not being met for that plant. So! when you're feeling any of the above emotions, you can get quiet (read last few lines of this), read through your list of needs, tend your garden thereby fulfilling your need, and watch the little flower of happiness SPRING BACK TO LIFE! WAHOO!

Simple #4

In Numerology (add up the number in your birthdate including the month, day, year you were born), myself, my husband and our son are all FOURs. And our daughter was born on the 4th but is a ONE. Isn't that amazing? And I found this tonight, which is also very cool...

Your Life Path Number is 4

Your purpose in life is to build your vision. You are practical and responsible. You work hard, knowing that there are no shortcuts in life. You work for a better life for yourself and those you love, but you are not an idealist. Trustworthy and honest, you also demonstrate great courage. People can count on you. In love, you are a loyal and committed partner. You are the ideal spouse. You don't give up easily, and sometimes you can be too stubborn and unwilling to change. You also can be too conservative at times. You sometime miss out on good opportunities. Also remember that not everyone can work as hard as you, as disappointing as that is!

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Do or do not do

"Do or do not do. There is no try." - Master Yoda.

I LOVE this quote. It is my inspiration for the rest of this crazy sleep-deprived week...

Goblin Angels watching over us

This year I want more goblins in my life... more magic... more pretend... more imagination.
This is my friendly gargoyle watching us in the yard as we play. He sits in the window box on my beloved barn...

I'm feeling so uninspired and lost. I have so many projects I want to tackle but they're all overwhelmingly big when I have just a few minutes here and there to work on them.

I'm feeling so blah and unmotivated and heavy and ick. And I don't know what my desire lines are... I'm in need of some serious ooomph!

The Courage to live

.A walk and talk with my good friend and I have my theme for the year: COURAGE.
This year I'll be exploring the true meaning of this word for me, but so far I know this: I need the courage to live MY life FULL OUT, the courage to be as BIG as I was born to be (my spirit, that is ;o), the courage to acknowledge and then embrace my OWN desire lines instead of continuing the dramas and struggles and dreams of my deceased parents. I LOVE what I had with them and I respect them so much for the lives they struggled with. But now this is MY chance, MY turn to succeed, screw up, fall down, get up, laugh, cry, find my OWN happiness. For my entire life, my parents were my project. For as long as I can remember my main purpose in my life was to make sure they stayed together and that they were happy (especially my mum). And now my angelfriend has helped me to see that I am continuing my mum's life -- complete with her dreams and struggles -- to the point where I keep edging my own husband to show up as if he were my dad. I am playing out their relationship dramas as a mother, a wife and even as a daughter/sister-in-law. I seek the courage to release all of that; to release their lives and their struggles and even their dreams. Because those lives are OVER. Those lives are dead. Those lives are empty. And in this release I will make the space for my own dreams, struggles, and adventures to show up. Only in this process will it be possible for me to really embrace their spirits that ARE alive. Their lives are dead. Their spirits are alive. I have had it backwards for the past five years.
Dear Goddess, I ask for the courage to stray from my parents' path... The courage to forge my own path and NOT leave a trail; thereby creating the possibility for my children to inherit enough courage to easily find their own way as well. I don't know what it looks like to live my own life, but I'm eager for the adventure to begin. Thank you, Amen.

Renovation Within

Okay, so that's not it. My 'happiness search' theme is not working. I believe very firmly that when you're on the right path, things flow smoothly and you get signs that you're onto something. I'm getting signs that i'm on the WRONG path. I've been rear-ended in traffic, I hit a parked car while parking, a cheque bounced (one written TO me, not by me), I'm having major marriage turmoil, as well as child turmoil. No, this is definitely not it.

I received an email from a very dear friend (and former boyfriend) who at one time -- oh my goddess, was it really almost half my lifetime ago already? -- anyway, at ONE time knew me as well as i knew myself (which, wasn't all that well at that awkward, tumultuous tender age). He had read my blog and was writing, worried about me, wondering if I was okay... Wondering if I was worrying about things that were too far beyond my control. At first I balked at his words, thinking MORE people should be worrying more and then the world wouldn't be as upside down as it is. But then I read the (com)passion entry at 37 Days and realized that maybe there is some truth to his words. And so I've come to this: the search for happiness may be too superficial for where I'm at right now. Is it surrender that I need? Should my theme for this year be surrender?

As many moments as there were in 2005, of me blissfully feeling that I was living my dream life -- that things couldn't get any better... it was actually a VERY difficult year for me too. And as much as I desperately wanted 2006 to be a new beginning of pure joy, leaving the problems I've been having with my own anger, frustration, and discontent behind, it truthfully hasn't exactly started out that way.

Okay, so surrender. I want to explore this concept. I have these flashes of anger that rise up in me with no notice and while my mind is aware of them, I so far have been unable to soothe them away. And while I'd hoped that more time alone, hot baths, good music, dark chocolate and walks in the forest would make them all disappear, I know on an intuitive level that there is something very deep inside of me that has to click before those angry moments are going to subside.

And every fibre in my being knows that this HAS to change. First and foremost because I am NOT able to mother effectively during these moments. So often I go to bed with tears in my eyes, knowing that I have confused my children with my angry sparks and wanting so desperately to be able to leave that all behind. It gets pretty bad at times, to the point where I want to run away, hoping that someone would step into my shoes and be the kind, loving, understanding, calm parent that my children so deserve. Cas in point: Yesterday my daughter would NOT skate at her first figureskating class. Now let's be clear, I don't give a rat's ASS about figure skating. But I had paid for the class, we were THERE, and I couldn't accept that she wouldn't just STAND UP on her skates and TRY for half an hour. I was angry and frustrated and having some VERY bad mothering moments. She seemed totally unphased by it all, simply refusing to be part of it. But last night during our ritual cuddle, she said to me, Mummy, I want you to be happy. And my blood ran cold.

What IS IT about me that I can't just accept? What is it that haunts me and destroys all my best intentions? Forget the rooms in my house, I need some completion in the houses in my SOUL. Goddess help me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I'm told it's not very evolved to be toooo into New Year's resolutions, but I AM. I love new starts and always do a lot of thinking and journaling and celebrating and dreaming at this time of year and again when my birthday comes (in March) when I get to do a quick re-start if I so choose.
This year I am feeling SO motivated to truly live an inspired life. My mind is chock-full of ideas and visions, my heart is plum-full of joy and hope.
ONE of my many ideas is to resolve to COMPLETE one room in our house every month. We've lived here nearly 2 years now and there isn't a single room that is done from head to toe. January, I think, will be the love bedroom. Or at least it will be transformed from a place to drop from exhaustion to a place to nestle as a loving couple AND as a loving family. I want it to be SO inviting that we can hardly keep ourselves out of there! And yes, I want the children to feel that way too. Back before Annika was born, Brent made (yes, ALL by himself!) us a family bed. King-size in every way. The top of the bed is at my waist, the top of the headboard towers above. It FEELS like a nest high in a tree. And it is bliss. Now to transform the rest of the room to feel like that -- a safe haven away from everything troublesome.
Choosing OUR room as #1 for the year is a symbol of a deeper resolution in itself. While my lover and I were writing out our resolutions, he leaned over and said "Why do I KNOW that everything you're writing is focusing on everyone ELSE in our family while everything I'm writing is mostly about me?" And of course he was right. So, my theme for the year? MAKE MYSELF HAPPY! That seems so strange for me. So foreign. So completely impossible. To put my happiness above everyone else's. But that's my theme. That's my goal. I'm reaching for the moon. SO! By putting MY most private space, my marriage's most private space as numero uno, I'm thumping in the pegs of my theme right from the get-go.
SO? What's your theme for this year?
And any ideas for the love room?
xo

My birthday girl

I love you, sweet girl, and I can't believe you're already four. You have taught me more in your little lifetime than I have learned from anyone else in mine... You amaze me, challenge me, and stretch me more than I ever thought possible. And we've only just begun, you and me...

If I could choose, right now, four things that you would learn from me they would be:

1. Grace, amazing grace: not the kind that makes you skate smoothly, but the kind that allows you to be kinder than anyone expects when you're handed an opportunity to put someone in their place.
2. Inspired: no, i don't mean inspirational or inspiring, I mean inspired. I want you to strive not to be inspiring to others or be an inspiration to someone, I want for you to live an inspired life. To live your best life and not ever feel the need to rise up to someone else's expectations or hopes for you; to always stay close to your true self, blaze your own path, and express your own free spirit.
3. Integrity: to be real ALWAYS. To never bow to the pressure to pretend or make excuses.
4. Kindness: for kindness to be your true religion. I want to teach you to be kind to yourself by being kind to myself. I want to teach you to be kind to others by being kind to you.

I've got my work cut out for me, don't I? I love you sweet thing. More than you will ever know... until you become a momma. Thank you for choosing ME to be your mummy, babygirl. Thank you for sharing your life with me, for being patient and forgiving of me, and for understanding that I'm doing my best. And for your deep awareness that with each passing day, as I learn from you MY best will grow... as well as my love and gratitude for you...

xo, mummy

A real know-it-nothing

Realizing lately that I don't know anything. My whole life I've struggled so hard to prove that I know things, and now I'm realizing how fruitless this is. But it's an old habit and I'm an old dog and well, new tricks come hard... I still hear myself neeeeeeding to be right on things, but I'm quicker to stop myself from arguing so hard and just listen.
What is that? My intense physical need to believe that I'm right? That my way of thinking is the ONLY way to think? My way of mothering is the only way... My way of living... When I heartily disagree with what someone's just said, I feel this physical wave rise inside of me and then I start to make my case. My goal is just to ride the wave out and continue to listen.
Wish me luck.

Needing the reminder...

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day...
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

In Excess

Last night as the movie credits were rolling I overheard the woman in front of us explaining the movie to her friend. She was describing the caste system that "used to" exist in India pre-Ghandi and the horrors and nonsense of it. That got me thinking...
We can look at a pulsing country like India and see clearly the cruelty of being born into the wrong family, into the wrong village, simply into the wrong house and how little sense that makes for dooming a person to a life of poverty and deprivation and ultimately, untimely death. We look at the Brahmin caste and the absolute insanity of their thinking that they have a right to treat the lowest caste however they see fit -- including having sex with girls as young as 7 or 8 years old, thinking these girls are blessed to have been with a Brahmin. How could they think it okay to live in elaborate houses and drive the best cars and eat the best foods while the lower castes' babies are dying and disease is rampant and people are starving? And all because they were born into that birthright? This doesn't make any sense to us.
Yet this is what exists today, on a grander scale yet. We, the priviledged classes born into countries that have too much -- countries suffering from excess -- we born with the birthright to waste turn our eyes from those who have nothing. We try to believe that they are different. Yet we all know someone who has adopted a child from any one of those countries and we have seen them grow up with the same emotions that we have. We see them mothering their children with the same love we have. And intuitively we DO know that we are all the same. That we are all one species.
But we don't want to look at it that way. We want to believe in our birthright to waste. We suffer from the symptoms of excess -- obesity, loneliness, pollution, decimation of natural resources -- but we want to believe that it has to be okay to live like this because we deserve it.
Deserve what? and when does it begin?
I look at my own children with their room burgeoning with too many toys and feel a little sick at the thought of them getting MORE because it's Christmas and that's their right -- to have more more more. Why? Why do we burden our children with too much stuff? We put our babies in their own beds with bars on the sides to keep them safe and eventually contained (and thus away from us having our peaceful sleep) yet is anyone really having that peaceful sleep? Aren't we all complaining because our children aren't sleeping through the night -- they want to be in our beds, hearing our heartbeats, nestled against our furry bodies. We are too busy to carry them on our backs like they do in underdeveloped countries. We have to get back to WORK so we can afford all our excesses! So we put them into childcare where they begin to shrivel (not always), into daycares and preschools where the caregiver is overburdened, the children are out of control and hurtful, and then we wonder when as teenagers they turn their back on us and walk away when we're talking to them. We've been pushing them away from us since they were born and then we're surprised when they finally walk away???
I'm not saying that we should ALL live in poverty on this planet. I'm just asking what our world would look like if we all truly did ALL we could to help each other. This has been a big year for devastation in the world and we've all opened our wallets to help. What does doing all I can look like for me? Is it the equivalent to what I spend on a nice dinner out with my husband? The equivalent to what I spend on gifts for my child in a year? We all say "we can't afford it" to many things. And then we do afford it if we really want it. What would it be like if we couldn't afford to live in excess because we were helping others on our planet have something? What if we stopped complaining about what we don't have and started sharing what we do?
We wonder about revolutions and terrorists and crime. But what would it be like to sit in squalor with absolutely nothing -- and absolutely NO hope of that changing -- and watching our neighbours wallow in relative wealth, throwing more food away than they ate, filling up a big pit behind our home with all the stuff that they don't feel like fixing or keeping anymore. Would we be content with that kind of imbalance? Or would we rise up and demand that we deserve to be treated with more respect and dignity than that just because we exist?
This whole issue makes my stomach churn. Mostly because I can hear people in my own family telling me that this all doesn't make sense. Yet how can it not? HOW can it possibly make sense to live the way we do and turn the channel on the T.V. when we don't want to see how terrible other people live?
How can it make sense to continue to give our children more food than they can eat, more toys than they can love, but less love than they need, less touch than they need, less listening than they crave and think all is right with the world.

I want

I want to live a life of full integrity. I want to live my life full-on regardless of who is around me. I want to be authentic 100% of the time. I want to not hide my true self but to live out loud.
FULL STOP.

what if...

Why is it so hard to wrap my head around making a real difference when there is SO much to be done. ANYthing I do is more than was being done yesterday.
There are about 15 million refugees in this world. Imagine. Imagine having NOTHING, including absolutely no sense of peace. And okay, okay, we all want to think that the political climates in many of these countries have to change before we could possibly do anything to help. But what if the people in those same countries were just a little more empowered? What if tomorrow someone in some village got a cow or a chicken or a goat and suddenly had hope? And what would that do to your sense of empowerment if you were just in some small way responsible for making that happen?
Here's my idea:
Christmas is coming up. We've all got too much stuff as it is. Oh there's always going to be something more we pine for, and that's okay with me. But is what you're pining for likely going to be the selection your mother-in-law makes for you? How many of us are wishing we didn't get many of the gifts we get because then we're just laden with the guilt of having one more thing we didn't ever really want but now have to display/use/wear? WHAT IF we emailed the people who are likely to buy us something (even though they know we don't need or want anything -- but they love us and they want to show us and in our culture you show love by giving stuff... but that's another story...) and ask them to give us the gift of peace? What if we could feel just a little more peace in our hearts if we knew that people who actually are in desperate dire NEED of stuff got just a little of what they needed? What if we emailed our friends and family our own favourite website (http://www.heifer.org/ is a really good one) and said "I know you love me and want to give me something. Would you consider giving something here instead, thereby giving me the gift of a happier heart?"
And there's our children. We protect them from the realities of the world. We sure don't let them watch the World Vision programs on weekday morning T.V. WHY? Because it might traumatize them. HOW? They would see children suffering. But don't you think they already feel the suffering in the world? Here's what I see happening:
Annika: "Why is that little girl crying?"
Mama: "I think she's hungry, Annika."
Annika: "Why is she hungry?"
Mama: "Because she doesn't have enough food."
Annika: "Can't her mama give her some food?"
Mama: "No, she can't. She wants to, but she doesn't have any."
Annika: "Can we give her some of our food?"
Mama: "We can, Annika. Would you like to?"
Annika: "Yes, mama. I want that little girl to not cry anymore."
Mama: "Would you like her to get some of your presents at Christmas?"
Annika: "Yes, mama."
OKAY! That's pretty simple! I think children get it a lot faster than we do. They, who are so fresh from God, understand things that we have long forgotten. And the really cool thing is you don't have to pass on your sense of hopelessness. There IS SO MUCH we can do. Let's get started...

Pushing the envelope

See? I even did it. I wrote what I saw written on the inner sanctums of my heart and then got scared because I felt I was going to make everyone feel uncomfortable. I said what I needed to say and then quickly moved to lighten the mood.
Not that a light mood isn't exactly what we need in these times, but I wanted to be honest about my intentions there. I WAS shaking my booty like never before with my grooving so-nearly-4 year old, and I intend to do so every day for as long as I'm blessed with life... But I don't want to feel like I need to lighten the mood when I speak my truth.
I just got home from seeing "Water" tonight. Nothing I didn't know before. Nothing I didn't see when I lived in those lands. But as the screen faded to black, my heart squeezed and I cried for our world. I cried for the children that are forgotten. I cried for the widows that are mistreated, our species everywhere who are traumatized just because they were born on the wrong side of the ocean... Goddess, help us help ourselves. Help us help each other. Help us truly know at the deepest level that we are all one and when one child cries, every one of our hearts ache. Help us realize that this is the sadness that prevails within us no matter what we do. Teach our hearts that until all of us are free, none of us are free. And show me how to do my part... thank you. amen.