I CHOOSE...

WOW! What a response from that last post. Thank you for your emails and comments! That theme seemed to really resonate and reverberate through most everyone and was so interesting/encouraging/insightful/helpful for me to read about your experiences with it. This whole issue with connection or rather disconnection is truly a universal problem in our culture, and one I have begun to focus on in my life. I have to say, that I didn't recognize in my previous post that I DO have wonderful friends who are offering and willing to truly be my tribe... But what I find is that it's not enough. I need connection with my husband or all the help from my tribe doesn't wipe out the aching loneliness I feel inside. But I also couldn't do this without my tribe.
So after getting really clear, over the past few months, about what I don't choose in my life, I was concerned that it might take me an equal amount of time to get clear on what I do choose. But no. As soon as I was able to voice clearly to my husband what it is that's not working in my life, it was very clear about what I need. It's years and years of programming that I'm eliminating in my life. Stories and beliefs that I adopted from my own parents' marriage and their views about what jobs were or weren't important. That being said, I truly have no idea what they really thought as all of my stories come from my own experience of it, what I perceived to be happening, what I imagined they thought and felt... And so, recognizing that, I see so clearly that in NOT CHOOSING their experience, it opens up a whole new realm of choosing my own. What freedom! And when I'm clear and feeling connected with Brent, it seems quite easy. When I'm not, it seems impossible. This is a journey, nonetheless, and will take the rest of my life to complete... But here's the changes in my itinerary that I'm undertaking right now:
1. I am no longer leaving it up to chance whether or not I'm connected with my husband. I very consciously connect with each of my children every morning when they wake up, each time they come back from an extended play, and every time we're separated for any length of time. Neufeld calls this "collecting" and I've learned that it is essential for emotional safety to my children. I am extending this same idea to my husband. I will not wait and hope that it just happens any longer. I am bumping the importance of this up to #1 as I am very clear that when I am disconnected with him I cannot mother the way I want to, I'm jittery, distracted and snappy. When I feel solidly connected with him, I feel like I can handle anything. So, I'm going to be planning regular time to connect: picnics, dates, walks, early-to-bed nights, writing in our co-journal, emails, phonecalls, etc.
2. I am no longer waiting for people to offer to give me time to myself. I've always known that I need time to myself, but I resist it somehow. I know how fleeting these years are with my children so young and precious and I honestly don't want to miss out on a second of them. Yet I also know that they need more of me now than they ever will in their lives -- they need ALL of me every moment of the day and that is very draining. And so it's clear that I NEED TO RECHARGE. And I'm clear that I can be with them always, never get time away, and the years will pass just as quickly in angst and resentment as they would if I get a few minutes to myself each day and they pass with joy and gratitude... SO! I will be making sure that I get regular time out, whether it be 10 minutes of yoga stretching, or an hours' walk by myself in the evening, or asking friends to play with my children for a bit while I catch my breath. The key here is regular. I can't wait until I'm empty or it's a vicious cycle. I have taken our empty teapot and held it over a cup to show Annika why I need to get away by myself so that I have something to offer her... Change of direction: I'm no longer going to wait for the pot to be empty before getting away to put something in it. I have also let my husband know that I have found that I am able to be the sole-parent well for about 8 hours. After that, I start to slide into a state that is satisfying to nobody. It was SO difficult for me to voice that need because in our culture so much of our worth is tied to how busy you are, how much you work and how much you make... All of those things are cut back when you only work 8 hours a day! But I do see clearly that this is something that is very important to me. It's interesting to me that when I decided to stay home, and Brent decided to work, that I stopped asserting my choices while he continued to do so. I take responsibility for that. When he found he was getting more and more responsibility at this job, I didn't say "Uh oh, what are we going to do? Sounds like they're asking you to work 10 or 12 hours a day, hey? What are we going to do? I can only do 8 on my own..." You know? This is my life, I have as much choice in my life as he does. What is it about our culture that gives a stay-at-home mum the message that she doesn't have choices? She just gets what's ever left-over? Because that's crap! THIS is the most important job, we ALL know that. HOW the breadwinner makes enough to live comfortably on (a whole other topic, yeesh!) has very little to do with how happy the family is. As long as the breadwinner is satisfied and content in his/her work, it doesn't affect the children what the job actually is, right? But the time spent away absolutely affects the entire family. How drained the breadwinner is upon arriving home absolutely affects the family. Yet we give very little thought to all that, and much more thought to how prestigious the job is, how much money is made, etc. Trivial, truly, when it comes to the well-being of our families and how well our society functions. We're so ethno-centric about all this, thinking that we've really figured it out -- we make heaps of money, buy heaps of stuff to fill ourselves up with, and look how very very happy we are. Heck, all those people in developing worlds want to be just like us, right? Cause they're sure not happy living in their little shacks and existence lifestyles... Until you actually go visit them, and see that they are genuinely happy with very little... and come back home and see that we are truly NOT very satisfied or happy and that all this stuff we buy to fill ourselves up with is completely destroying the planet -- for us AND for them. Ack!
3. Focus. Yes, not just a problem in this post, but a problem in my daily life. I wake up with a gazillion things I desperately want to accomplish -- everything from catching up in my garden to really being present with my children... and I haven't been taking the time to focus on what my greatest need is for that day and then choosing to focus on one or two things... I think this alone will drastically alter my itinerary. I hear myself complaining that I need time to focus. I want to do SOMEthing without being distracted. Focus-time. Yet why don't I choose one or two things to actually FOCUS on each day? Seriously up the chances of feeling a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Of course this means letting everything that I'm not choosing to focus on, GO.
4. Choosing each and every day to CREATE my life. Not letting things happen to me. Not falling back into my comfortable old familiarity of being disappointed or powerless. Stopping the vicious cycles of being a martyr-mother, a misunderstood-underappreciated-wife, and CREATING my best life every moment. And when I don't? Letting it go and being kind to myself, knowing that I'm making progress and growing... Remembering that my life is a journey, and enjoying the adventure of it all...

Do you CHOOSE your life?

Five years, 5 months and 21 days ago I made a decision that continues to rule my life. I don't know that I'd go back and change it, but knowing what I know now, I definitely would've given it more thought.

I chose to be the sole night time parent to my newborn child.

That's it. Pretty simple choice. I simply decided that I would not wake my husband in the night or expect him to wake to help me in the night with our newborn. Every other woman in my family had made the same choice. It's what I knew. It's what felt right. My husband was working outside the home. He had an important job. I was breastfeeding. My baby seemed to truly need me and only me in those first few weeks, or rather months, or um years... I didn't want to disturb him. I was pretty sure I couldn't ask him to get up with her by himself and let me sleep through some of her nightime wakings (which were many), so really, what was the point of us BOTH being awake? And on and on my rationale went.
But I think it was that simple choice that has influenced so much of my life now, in ways I didn't know it would. What I was saying to myself, my husband and even to my child, was that my husband needed more sleep to do his daytime job than I needed to do mine. Which sort of said that his job was more important, needed more concentration, more focus. It sort of told my husband that this whole parenting thing was more my job than his. It sort of gave him permission to be free-er right from the start than I was. It let him off the hook in so many ways.
It's not like it was ALL I knew. My wise sister-in-law had her first baby 2 weeks earlier and she wasn't making the same choice. This was THEIR baby and THEY were going to care for him. I sort of thought her a bit selfish, a bit silly. Why should they BOTH be up in the night? Why not let the one who could sleep sleep?
Well, 5 years, 5 months and 21 days later, the dynamics in that house are very different than the ones in this house. My husband works outside the home A LOT. It's not unusual for him to be gone 10 or 11, sometimes 12 hours a day. And it's not by my choice. He doesn't include me when planning his weekly schedule. He's the breadwinner. This is just what happens, isn't it? Didn't I have 2 choices? To be alone at home with my children OR to work outside the home and leave my children with someone else most of the day?
He pops home unexpectedly in the day and when my excitement plummets upon realization that he's not actually staying, he says things like "well, would it be better if I didn't come home at all then?"
This isn't the life I thought I was choosing that night. I chose to be the primary parent for attachment, but I didn't realize I was choosing years and years of not mattering when it came to actually CHOOSING how I spend my week. Oh, I wouldn't choose to work outside the home. I wouldn't choose to be away from my children. But I WOULD choose for my husband to share the responsibility of household chores, to be home more, to be more in a co-parenting role. I think I thought that choice would expire in, what about 6 months when she started sleeping through the night (LOL!!!) or a year at the most...
We moved out to the Okanagan in pursuit of a simpler life. My husband's job in the big city was demanding too much of him, pulling him away from us on weekends and he didn't feel like he was able to CHOOSE his life. We wanted to be together more. He wanted to be a more involved dad. We were giving up money and prestige in favour of a simpler life.
But did anything really change? He has an 'important' job. It demands long hours and lots of his energy and focus. He chooses to continue in his job. I, by default, am alone a lot with our children. I, because I'm home alone with our children, do all of the laundry, all of the cooking, all of the cleaning (not that there's a whole lot of that that's getting done these days!), all of the food buying and growing, all of the planting, all of the preparation for celebrations, all of the gift-buying/making, and on and on the list goes. Do I CHOOSE this? Well, I guess I do. It all needs to be done and I'm here so I do it. Mostly with joy. Sometimes with resentment. I definitely choose to homeschool our kids. I definitely choose to garden (my life's passion). I definitely choose much of what I do with my time and how I spend my life. But the one thing that seems beyond my control, out of my reach for choosing, is with whom I do all of this. I wouldn't choose to do it alone, as I am now. I would choose to have a co-parent. I would choose to have my own thing on the side, something I can do from home, something I'm passionate about, something that's all mine. I would choose for my husband to work from home as well, at something he's passionate about too. But nobody's asking. Hell, I'm not waiting to be ASKED, I'm sharing my desires/needs/wants but nobody's listening.
And I'm frustrated. Empty too much of the time. Because this most-important job in all the world is truly NOT meant to be done alone. Mothering is meant to be done in a tribe, surrounded by other adults, sharing chores, sharing jobs, sharing passions, having time to oneself as others fill in the gaps, taking up the slack when others need time to themselves... Connection. We are MEANT to be connected. To our mothers, our sisters, our cousins, our children, our HUSBANDS, for &%#@ sake. We are not meant to be disconnected for hours each day. What is the result of disconnection? I think it's monotony. Resentment. Depression. Disconnection takes what should be done in joy and turns it on its head.
It's not the life I choose. Plain and simple. What's to be done about it? In this culture, how do we choose otherwise? Being 'successful' means such a different thing to me than it used to. How do we choose connection in a disconnected culture? How do you do it? Do you feel a true partnership with your husband? How do you manage it? I'd love to hear...

Ponderings

Thanks so much for all your loving thoughts from that last post. I found my Grandma feeling very sad and emotional on Tuesday, worrying about her salvation. It broke my heart -- this woman who's given her whole life to this paternal God, all in the name of a peaceful death... has no peace in her heart in her last days. She worries that she's not reading her bible enough now (her mind is so chaotic that she has a hard time reading anything) and so I tried to find comforting, encouraging, reassuring verses to read to her. My goodness. I had forgotten what a vengeaful, wrathful, judging God the bible teaches about! So I sang to her. And I opened my heart and just poured my love into her. I visualized peace and acceptance and forgiveness and love just pouring into her and healing her aching heart. It worked. By the time we left she was much calmer and more at peace. I've talked to her each morning since and she sounds stronger and more her old self.
It's amazing to me that in our culture we somehow think it's okay to put our old people into institutions where their bodies will be cared for, where they're completely separated from the families that they've dedicated their lives to, but somehow we pretend that we feel 'good' about all this because 'they're getting the very best care'. To me, my Grandma is like a small child now, her mind is not clear and she needs constant reassurance and love and attention from people she trusts. She's forgotten that she's lived in that home for 10 years. Nobody is familiar to her. She looks around her room every minute and can't figure out how all her things got there. She forgets even the names of her children, but she doesn't forget that she doesn't belong there. There's nobody that she loves to reassure her and comfort her and make her feel safe. Her spirit dies a little every day that because it's not restored and filled with the love of her own people. And so it takes a lot of filling to heal that.
I'm not against daycare. I know a lot of children thrive in such places, with loving caretakers to stimulate them and teach them... But imagine children put into daycare where their parents only visited them once or twice a week? For an hour or so? Unthinkable! That's what the orphanages in Romania and China are like -- and we all know the results -- permanently stunted and spiritually-deformed, emotionally-haunted children. Why do we expect anything different to happen to our aged?

Losing Ground...

My Grandma is one of my most favourite people alive... I adore my visits with her yet somehow don't make the time to see her more often. She's losing ground right now and I'm finding myself feeling pretty teary about it all. On Friday she wanted me to rescue her from the nursing home where she's lived the past 10 years and I did for a few hours, but in the end I returned her and left her there. It broke my heart and I think possibly broke her spirit. She's been mostly in bed ever since and not eating and her voice is garbly on the phone. The thing is, she's not embraced life for a few years now, and has been mostly wanting and waiting to die in order to join her beloved angels on the 'other side'.
She's on my mind pretty much constantly and I have to force myself to not phone her every hour. She asked me if I thought it was alright that she just die now, and I said I thought it was. I'm going to her tomorrow and the hours in between can't go by quickly enough... There's the garden, the passion of my life, that's calling to me, there's the very last, much-anticipated swim lesson of the session (to see if Miss A passed), there's the dancing to Mr. P's harmonica music to be done... Life is sweet yet Grandma is foremost on my mind and heart.

Gma and me at her 90th birthday party a couple of weeks ago.

So much of me wonders how things would be different if I could have/ would have taken my Gma in to live with us when we moved here... But I'm accepting that I didn't and that it can't be changed now. I'm accepting that somethings in life can't be understood, and that they just work out the way they're meant to... I'm accepting that my dear old Grandma just might be ready to pass over... And I'm feeling so grateful that I can go and give her more hugs and kisses and reassurances and love before she does...

The strange thing is, this love for my Grandma is new to me. I didn't love her the way I do now before I became a mother. I judged her as being selfish and only saw the things she wasn't. When I became a mother I realized just how hard things must have been for her and my judgments all just fell away. Also, when I lost my parents (7 years ago today), her unconditional love and acceptance became so much more important to me. She truly is the only person alive that I feel completely unconditionally accepted by. That's a gift that can never be replaced.

These are photos of my Grandma and myself at age 20. (I look more like my mum's side of the family.) Isn't it interesting that we both had glamorous photos taken of ourselves at that age, both looking over the same shoulder!?

And here's Grandma at 40. I think she got even more beautiful, don't you? This is a reminder for me to have a photo taken of myself in 2 years too. I'm 38 now. Oh! How I hope that if I'm still alive at 90 that I'm still walking and gardening and cooking and living with my family and passionate about my life...

We ARE the earth

A wee bit from a conversation between Bill Moyers and Joseph Cambell in 1986 (twenty years ago when Global Warming was not on the front page everyday)
Moyers: Don't you think modern Americans have rejected the ancient idea of nature as a divinity because it would have kept us from achieving dominence over nature? How can you cut down trees and uproot the land and turn rivers into real estate without killing God?
Cambell: Yes, but that's not simply a characteristic of modern Americans, that is the biblical condemnation of nature which they inherited from their own religion and brought with them, mainly from England. God is separate from nature, and nature is condemmed by God. It's right there is Genesis: we are to be masters of the world. But if you will think of ourselves as coming out of the earth, rather than having been thrown in here form somewhere else, you see that we are the earth, we are the consciousness of the earth.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!!!

One of my favourite days of the year... just knowing that so many people around the globe are inspired to find new ways to take care of our precious planet...

The radio show today was cancelled. I have to admit I was terribly disappointed, but it wasn't all for naught. In getting ready to talk to thousands in 84 different countries around the globe, I was inspired to a new level to truly be the change I want to see... to get off my ass and really live the inspired life I yearn to...

In the night, I came up with what I think is a fabulous idea... come over to my environment blog to see what I converted this into (at 4 AM! ahem!):

It's pretty cool! Come see. hee!

Must-Read

Oh, PLEASE read THIS! My good friend shared this bit of brilliance and I truly want everyone to read it! Will you? It's SUPER long. I had to make a cup of tea and settle in for a good long while. But oh my, SO worth it. Let me know what you think. xo

Getting Ready...

So, I've agreed to join Lillian and Dave Brummet on the RADIO this Sunday... The show will focus on proactive behaviors any person can do that can immediately benefit the environment - and themselves. Rather than pointing fingers or concentrating on the negative aspect of environmental issues they hope to inspire listeners to start where they are and take matters in their own hands. There will be a variety of guests that will discuss attainable goals for individuals during the two hour talk show. I get 10 minutes. I'm oscillating between genuine excitement at sharing my passion for this topic and sheer terror at being on the radio. I'm a radio-virgin. eeeek!
So I've decided to gather my thoughts here to steady my nerves. Why am I doing this (my husband asked)?
Because I'm a very average person who's passionate about doing my wee part to keep the earth healthy (notice I didn't say "normal", Heather! ha!) There are so many many people that are doing far more than I am, and I'm not pretending for a second that I'm some sort of activist or that I'm doing everything possible. That's just exactly why I want to share what I AM doing. Because the things I am doing can be done by absolutely anyone. I think that if people realized how EASY it is to do a lot of little things that DO make a difference, that more people would be doing them, and the difference we'd make together would be powerful. I want to contribute to the whole tipping point...
So... I have to think again about what I AM doing (bear with me, this is mostly repetitive, I know).

1. I'm trying to grow most of my own food. I have several fruit trees (and hoping to plant one new one every year for at least 5 years), raspberry canes (wanting blackberry ones), strawberries, and an extensive vegetable garden (we just built 15 new raised beds!)
2. I'm trying to learn how to make most of our own processed foods so that we get the health benefits of fresh, preservative-free, chemical-free, unpackaged foods. So far we make our own jam, canned tomatoes, salsa, yogurt, bread, cookies, cakes, pies, cinnamon buns, soup stock, tortillas, muffins, pesto, dehydrated fruit, crackers, pickles etc. I want to learn how to make my own pasta, perogies, raw dog food (I haven't started yet, Heather!!), mayonnaise (I need the recipe again, Andrea), and ?? (do you know how to make something I might be interested in? can you share please?)
3. I really try to think more about what I'm NOT going to buy than what I am.
   For example, I'm not going to buy any more:
   paper towels (I can use rags)
   plastic wrap (I still use some plastic, but it's all recycled from foods I choose to buy in plastic. I wish I could buy all my food plastic-free but it doesn't seem do-able just yet. I might choose to buy carrots in a plastic bag that are local than the bulk carrots that are shipped in from California, for instance.)
   styrofoam (toxic and unnecessary)
   toys that hold a child's interest for a miniscule amount of time and toys cheaply made out of plastic (Playmobil is an exception)
   lower quality clothes and shoes that have the same amount of embedded energy than their higher priced, higher quality cousins that will hopefully last ten times longer
   anything new that I can find second hand
   any books that I don't need to write in or highlight or dog-ear (those can come from the library)
   cleaners or sprays that are toxic and packaged in small bottles (I'm experimenting with making my own from vinegar, baking soda and soap -- this is an on-going process as I use up the last of my gentle-to-the-earth bottled cleaners and experiment with different recipes for laundry soap, etc.)
4. I'm trying to reduce the number of trips I make "to town" per week, doing as many errands as possible in one day, having most days "car-free" days. And I'm planning to start biking in for my childrens' afternoon classes, and then getting a ride home with my husband after work. Maybe eventually I'll be able to pull the bike-trailer up the long hill to home, but I'm not there yet.
5. I'm using my own bags and my own containers for everything I possibly can. The deli and bulk-food stores are getting used to taring my containers so that I can avoid using extra packaging.
6. I'm looking for a plumber who knows how to refit my house so that the grey water goes outside onto my plants and trees (can you recommend anyone?). We do have rainbarrels that can collect a total of 2000 litres (about 525 gallons).
7. I'm saving my own seeds to protect seed diversity and heritage.
8. I'm choosing to homeschool my kids for many reasons, but the main reason is so that they are free. They are free to think for themselves, free from indoctrination, free to design their own lives in every way. Both of my children are inextricably linked to the earth and are most at home in nature. This is where most of their learning occurs.
9. I choose not to buy industrial meat. We buy organic meat from local farmers where we can SEE how the animals are raised, and from our families who ranch bison in Alberta.
10. I choose to buy locally whenever there is a choice. My goal is to dehydrate, can, cold-storage (we're building a cold cellar in our bank this summer for carrots, potatoes, apples, etc.), freeze as much of our own food as possible, and commit to buying the rest from within a 100 mile radius. So far I've not been able to convince my family that we don't need bananas, oranges, lemons, kiwis, pineapple, etc. I think we need to build a greenhouse, next.
11. I have my husband 90% convinced to replace our aging toilets with composting ones. A CBC interview with Charles Simon completely convinced me that it is possible. He talked about a community of 90,000 people in Ontario where ALL of the toilets are composting ones. Amazing. The interview is very inspiring. I highly recommend a 20 minute listen (just scroll down to March 19). Charles reminds us that there is no such thing as waste in nature. Poo is just food for another organism. Sewer systems are destroying SO much of our planet's water.
12. I don't use my dryer anymore.
13. I don't use to-go cups (I keep several insulated mugs in the trunk of my car). I take my own containers to get take-out food.
14. I'm REALLY trying not to buy anything containing perfluorochemicals. I'm REALLY surprised how pervasive these chemicals are. Anything that's non-stick or water-resistant, including carpets, fabrics, pyjamas, stain-resistant clothing, etc.
15. I'm saving paper. I'm trying to buy only recycled paper products, and recycling all the bits I can from the mail. I don't want anyone clear-cutting our beautiful forests so that my family can wipe their bums with soft cushy toiletpaper.
16. I'm trying to use every recyclable item at least twice. Trash Talk has been an amazing source for ideas in this regard.
17. I'm composting everything I can from newspaper to hair to kitchen scraps to all non-recyclable paper products (that have been used as many times as we possibly can) (excluding toilet paper).
18. I have chickens, so even the kitchen scraps I can't put into my compost get recycled through the chickens.
19. I choose to buy organic food as much as I can.
20. I use a diva cup instead of tampons and luna pads instead of disposable ones.
21. We plant at least 10 trees every year.
22. I try not to turn my oven on unless I can use it for at least 2 or 3 things. (For example, I bake my bread at the same time as my supper is cooking, and might put in a yam for the following night as well.)

Well, that's 22 things. 22 things to share for Earth Day. I hope next year I'll have 44. Or more. And I hope one of those things is "I'm an activist". I want to write more letters, participate in more marches, demand change at a faster pace... Maybe this is the year... Sometimes I think "who do I think I am talking about saving the earth when there are SOOOO many more things I could be doing..." But these are easy things. Anyone could do. There's power in that, I think. don't you?

Some time to regain balance...

Not sure why I can't seem to keep this blog up to date... But this HAS been a month to remember... Pedar got croup for the first time, which called for some very scarey nights as he struggled to breathe... My tribe had a "storming" and very nearly fell apart... and then I rear-ended someone and lost my car for a couple of weeks to repairs (not to mention some $$). That should have been the big wake-up call to slow down and hibernate for awhile, but I didn't quite get it until I got a massive chest cold and lost my voice for a few days. That was it. I spent the next couple of weeks being quiet, outside in the garden, tying up the raspberry canes, moving compost piles around, and playing with my kids. Since then it's been a marvelous month...

The month of birthdays. Today was Kenai's 10th! So we made a cake and took her to the beach and had a party. SUCH fun. She loved it, of course. Her first swim in the lake this year. Pedar turned 3 on the 22nd and his wish? To ride a bus, so that's what we did:

And he asked for a digger cake so his daddy carved this one for him: (he LOVED it)
And the day before was my birthday... This was Annika's 'birthday portrait' of me (her idea):

I finally "got" all the messages on my birthday, or perhaps the night before when I realized that I needed to bring more balance into my life (yet again). The spring equinox is the perfect balance between light and dark, between winter and summer... And being born on this auspicious day, you'd think I'd be born with balance in my blood. Not so. It seems my life is a continual circle of reminders to slow down and regain balance...

I started my birthday with my friends, celebrating Ostara and all the healing that this equinox brings... We hunted for eggs, left presents for the Great Mother, sang some songs, cast a circle and roasted our food on the fire. My husband arranged for me to have a massage and then we got take-out for dinner. It was a really wonderful day. Ever since regaining clarity I've been slowly getting my voice back, planting seeds, designing a new potager garden, raking leaves, and trying to mulch the bank in front of the house...Balanced with lots of downtime, picnics in the sunshine on the lawn, playing hockey in the driveway, going for walks into the newly awakening forest (almost stinging nettle harvest time for anyone who's interested) and so on... So much to do this time of year, not least of all to lay in the sunshine and really take in the beauty of it all. March really is my favourite...good-bye dear month... Thank you for all the lessons.

Haircut

Edit: Here you go. Annika took this one of P laughing at "mummy's funny hair". It's amazing how kids begin to relate to WHO you are as HOW you look. The familiar. A good enough reason to have lots of changes, in my mind! Just so they know that what I look like has very little to do with who I really am...

"mummy, you look funny."
i do? why? don't you like my haircut?
"no. i don't like it."
"i don't like it either. it looks yucky."
"yeah. and awful, too."
well! thanks! i'm glad you feel strongly about it.
"did you need us to like it?"
no. i didn't get it cut so you and Rane would like it. i wanted a change. and that's what i got. i like it and that's all that really matters to me...

this is after Pedar walked into the room, took one look at me getting it cut and burst into tears, hid behind the chair and wouldn't come to me.

yeah. so i got my haircut. i look different. i FEEL different. it's all good. heh heh heh

Happy International Women's Day!

I'm feeling so uninspired to post, but must break the spell somehow, so will just say how very very fortunate I feel as a woman to have been born in Canada... And how hopeful I am that things will be even better for my daughter and her daughter and her daughter... And how desperately much I want things to be better for my sisters in countries where it's so hard to be born a woman... I am loving this website...

On a much lighter note... here is my little knight in shining armour. Our house has been under the plague (feels like, anyway) since March hit (which is my favourite month of the year, if I HAD to pick)... I've been up every night most of the night since the 1st, so am really dragging and feeling like I could fall asleep standing up... But that hasn't stopped me from raking the lawn, emptying about 500 gallons of rainwater from the tanks, and talking to the crocus and tulips that are popping through... LOVE the sunshine! Where has it been this winter?!?! I've really felt it... and am REALLY ready for spring and warm weather and HEALTHy kids!

p.s. does anyone have a good whole wheat bread recipe that i can try with my whole grain spelt flour? and is there any way to upload a powerpoint show to my blog? i just love the "sisters" one and want it to be on here. anyone know how?

Clean-Up Weekend

So we spent a lot of the weekend starting the clean-up process of our beetle-killed pine tree. What a mess. Apparently the fear is that the larvae will be hatching into beetles as soon as the weather warms and they will fly into our other pine trees. Everyone says we'll be losing them for sure anyway (unless we make SUCH a drastic impact to reverse global warming that we get a cold enough winter to kill them all), but we want to keep them as long as we can. SO! We had to finish the debarking process that Woody did such a good job of starting, and we found millions of little white worms, bigger white worms, and tiny winged beetles (3 different stages of the lifecycle? I'm not sure) under the bark. We kept a fire going as we debarked and burned the bark as we went. But we lost lots of worms onto the ground and we're hoping they won't live... Anyway, little P had a wonderful time 'helping' daddy cut the logs into manageable pieces... SO much work.

And the little girls had quite an adventure too... A and her cousin went on a 'safari' down by the creek and when I saw them "swimming" in the 4 inches of water, I enticed them up to the house with the promise of muffins warm from the oven. They weren't the least bit concerned about how wet they were as they were wearing their snowsuits and feeling quite warm. Cousin had lost her hat, and her head was full of burdock (a burr so awful that we have to cut it out of our alpaca's wool). It took me a good hour to pull strand by strand of her hair out of the mess. I honestly thought we were going to have to shave her head when I first started... An adventure to remember! (this photo was taken near the end of the process when I realized it might be a good reminder story at her wedding or something!)

Inspired

You know you have a real friend when they care enough to tell you that you're off track. Thank you for all the responses to my "angry" post. I'm glad I got that out. And I'm especially grateful to know you care and you're reading me. Thanks for the emails.
One of my soulsisters gently told me she'd rather read encouraging things on my blog. That she comes looking for inspiration. And this really resonated with me. Thank you, dearheart, becauase I think that's why I come here too. Another soulsister reminded me of her favourite Dyer quote "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." And still another reminded me of the law of attraction. I was starting to feel that maybe I should say "I'm failing" instead of "I'm trying". Remembering the law of attraction I am now going to say "I'm making a difference by ____". So, in that spirit, I am going to start searching/manifesting stories to encourage and inspire me and you. Here's the one I found today (moved to 3R's blog - click to read).

UNLESS it's normal...

"But now," says the Once-ler,

"Now that you're here,

the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear.

UNLESS someone like you

cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better.

It's not."

'The Lorax' by Dr. Seuss, 1971

Thanks for your comment, Heather, about being normal. I've never wanted to be 'normal' either. I've always associated normal with boring. I've always been comfortable living on the fringes of acceptability, finding my own way for every corner of my lifestyle. I've never had a penchant for keeping up with the Jones' nor have I ever wanted to wear clothes that were in fashion or have a house that was cool.
But lately, it's become painfully obvious to me that unless something is considered "normal" it isn't embraced by the masses. And I feel pretty desperate about that when it comes to the environment. EVERYONE is talking about what the governments need to do. Everyone's watching An Inconvenient Truth and bemoaning global warming. But when I look around in my daily life, I don't see people actually doing anything about it. And this terrifies me.
We've had 2 trees cut down in the last two days -- beetle kill -- global warming. The arborist told me that ALL the scientists agree that by 2011 virtually all of the pine trees in B.C. will be dead. We have seriously mourned the loss of these 2 trees, they have sheltered us from the storms and the heat of the sun, they've sung to us in the winds, they've been food for our squirrels, they've given us mulch from their needles, they've been homes for the birds in our forests. They're JUST TREES, you say. How easy it is to forget that we cannot live without trees. But more than the oxygen they provide, trees are living, breathing reminders of the sacredness of Mother Earth... of the goddess within every one of us. And they're dieing because one species on this planet just canNOT seem to find it within themselves to save them. And it's too late now. Nothing we could do at this point will save these magnificent trees. Ugh. I feel SO discouraged.
I.just.do.not.understand.WHY.people.don't.care.
WHY isn't everyone doing EVERYthing they can to reverse the destruction of our planet? WHY????? Peak oil is coming. Why aren't we saving every last drop that's left for things that cannot be replaced with sustainable resources? Oh, anyone can poo poo that too and I'm sure you can always find an "expert" (sponsored by oil companies, no doubt) who will tell you this is all a myth and we are FINE JUST FINE and not to worry at all. But we're smart. We know we can't continue the way we have. Right? Do you have pine trees in your backyard? Have you ever googled the number of species that is disappearing EVERY MINUTE because of our collective greed? Imagine how shocking it would have been for your great grandmother to hear that the air would soon be so bad that children would be encouraged to play indoors many days. That we can't drink from our mountain streams. That we can't eat fish from our lakes or even from our vast oceans for fear of poisoning. She could not have imagined a world such as this. I tell my grandmother (who's lived in a nursing home for 10 years) and she absolutely doesn't believe me. "Oh go on," she says.
Why aren't we embracing solar and wind and water power? I'm not talking about THEM. I'm talking about US. About me. About you.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not on a soapbox here. I'm not doing my share yet either, and not even sure why. I'm really discouraged and searching for some encouragement and I'm not finding it. Did you know that some religions teach their converts that caring for the environment isn't their job?! No lie. I have been told by people who believe that they can live as greedy, consumer-driven, polluting, environmentally-damaging lives as they want and "God will take care of the earth". Well, not in those words, but same concept. Truly. Someone SOON is coming and they will all rise into heaven together and the earth will light on fire or something. OH. MY. GOD.
Yeah. Encouragement is not exactly abounding all around me.
It's not even expected yet to bring your own bags to the store. WHY? What could be more simple than just saying no to new plastic bags? It's not even a blip in our lifestyle. Yet it's just not happening.
So that's what I meant, when I said I'm encouraged when people say "but you seem so normal" when they hear or see the wee things I'm doing. Because maybe if they consider me normal then I can help effect change. If I'm doing it, then maybe they can give themselves permission to do it too -- without the fear of somehow not being "normal" or "hip" or "cool" or "fashionable" or "insert insecurity here" enough.
There's just SO many little things we could be doing. And we're not. We keep sitting on our fat asses waiting for someone ELSE to wake up and save the planet for us. Well you know what? THERE IS NOBODY ELSE. It's you. and me. and her. and him. It's US. Are we going to get that in time? The last few grains are falling through the timer and we're still looking the other way. AAAAGH!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP.
For those of you who haven't yet, PLEASE Come and read my weak attempt to inspire you and you and you and you and ME to start with the little things. Come help me get some momentum going. PLEASE. Let your mind drift to what you COULD do. Find inspiration. And share it. Tell me about the little ways you conserve. I'll share them. And together we can make a difference... Gawdalmighty, how sad is it that that phrase is considered corny?

What could I say to light a fire under you? Did you click on any of the links I put in this post? Did you read any of it? Or is it just too depressing. Would you much rather just not know any of that. Yeah, me too. Somedays I wish I didn't care so much. Somedays I wish I could just be happily oblivious and believe that "someone else" will fix it all... or that I'm going to fly up on a cloud to heaven and so it won't matter anyway... Nope. Wasn't made that way.
So? I need your help. Help me find a way to ignite the cool, hip, stylish 'normal' masses. Please.

Follow Your Bliss... (the true Secret)

Most of my mentors are women. But there are men that I greatly admire too. Like Ghandi. And this man... He was my first inroad to the road less taken to the inner sanctums of myself. Have a listen. He's more than brilliant.
What is your bliss?

We are so blessed

Yesterday was our last trip to the pediatrician for awhile. The last of the lab results were in. My wee P proved everyone wrong. Way back in October the doctor told me the "best and worst case scenarios", and I wanted to believe that he was wrong, but I'm not sure I really did. At least not at first. But as we waded through all the diagnostics, I started to believe with all my heart that I was witnessing a miracle -- that the doctors were wrong -- that there was nothing wrong with my wee boy. Was there ever? I'll never know. And it doesn't matter. For right now, he is in perfect health -- all the scads of blood tests and x-rays and ultrasound came back normal. YAY! And look at him, wearing his sisters favourite dancing dress, whirling up a STORM.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, and the reason behind all the worry, behind all the what-if's, behind all the tears and the fear was this: to powerfully remind me to be present with my children, with the whole of my sweet life... to be grateful for every moment I have with each member of my family. When my children refuse to eat what I cook and half an hour later wail with hunger, I think of mothers who have nothing to feed their children and my frustration evaporates. When my children need me in the night leaving me foggy in the morning I think of mothers who don't have their children anymore, crying into their pillows and my frustration disappears. When my children fight with each other, screaming in each others' faces I think of women who can't have children and my anger dissipates.
I am truly blessed. Thank you for your prayers and lit candles. I am forever grateful. I am changed. I am present. I am awake. xo

A place to put it...

I'm starting a new blog where I'm hoping to put in one place all the good ideas I come across for doing my little bit to help save the planet. I've had such encouraging feedback from my Every Little Thing post, about how inspiring it was to read the little things that one person is trying to do. So I'm hoping that this new site will be a place to gather thousands of similar ideas into one place. I'm unsure of the most useful set-up for such a site. What do you think? Would you be willing to visit and leave a comment about how you would like to see it done? I'm excited about this -- I know it will be super inspiring for me, and hopefully for lots of others too. What do you think?

Discovering Buckwheat flour...

We're still searching for an inexpensive (current source costs me $7.50 to make two loaves) source for organic spelt flour (we've switched to spelt for its nutrition and because it doesn't hurt Annika's tummy), and yesterday morning I found us completely out of bread AND spelt flour. My kids didn't want eggs again for breakfast, so I was feeling pretty pinched. I went through my crazy pantry and found a small bag of buckwheat flour, leftover from some bread experiment a few months back. With nothing to lose and two hungry kids, I tried making buckwheat crepes! DELISH! I just substituted the buckwheat for the spelt that I normally use in this recipe:
1.5 cups flour
1 Tbsp sugar (I use raw, organic, free-trade sugar from Rancho Vignolo, which I've read is actually very nutritious and good for us!? I see you can buy it at Simpl Delicious, too.)
1/2 tsp baking powder (without aluminum -- from Cooper's bulk or Simply Delicious bulk)
1/2 tsp sea salt
2 cups milk
2 Tbsp melted butter
1/2 tsp vanilla
2 eggs
This recipe made enough for the 3 of us for two full meals. I cooked up the rest of the batch today and that half up there is the only scrap left. My kids inhaled them, and even proclaimed that they didn't need maple syrup as they tasted good by themselves! So, there you go. A last ditch resort served up a new favourite food!

Here's a little info that I found when I googled buckwheat:
Buckwheat has a variety of healthful properties. It’s an excellent plant source of easily digestive protein and contains all eight essential amino acids, so it’s close to being a "complete" protein. Buckwheat is also high in fiber (a big bonus for celiacs), B vitamins and, according to a USDA study, keeps glucose levels in check better than other carbohydrates -- which is good news for celiacs who also have diabetes. It’s also said to lower blood pressure and reduce cholesterol.
So, now I want to try growing it! It's in the same family as rhubarb (which I LOVE) and sorrel (which I want to try growing this year) and is therefore a fruit, not a grain as the name would have you think. When it's roasted it's called Kasha.

Plant the seed and wait...

I've begun planting all sorts of seeds from our food that we eat! This had never occurred to me before but my friend has a lovely date palm in her home that she planted from seed, so I've planted some dates, a mango (oh how I wish I could plant the tree outside and wait for a harvest!) that hasn't sprouted yet, and today I started a grapefruit and a lemon seed. I don't know what will happen, if anything, but I'm not growing any of this for the food, just for the lovely houseplants! I read in my Mother Earth News magazine to take cuttings from tomato plants right before first frost and keep them going indoors over winter and then use cuttings off those plants to start tomatoes! Why didn't I think of that. It says you can even keep harvesting cherry tomatoes all winter long. I'm already out of tomatoes and having to buy canned, so must grow LOTS more next year. And can more peaches, they didn't last long, my kids would choose to eat them every single day.

Any other seed ideas for me to try? And those of you downunder, have you tried planting your own lemon and mango trees? Fun and free!

Freedom to be "too big"...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ’Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -- Marianne Williamson

Every little thing...

This post has been in "draft" waiting for me to think of things to add to the list. I've been pecking away at it just as this pileated woodpecker has been completely de-barking one of our pinetrees, eating all the beetles and larvae on it! He worked here tirelessly for weeks, but has now flown on. And alas! I have nothing more to add just now so will post and continue to seek inspiration for further change...

Cherrybean's Death to the Climate post has been mulling in my mind... Along with all the headline news about climate change and the wake-up call to the world to pull up our socks...

In the journals I keep for my children I keep a list of everything we do to try to save the world. I have a feeling they are going to be very angry in a few years that people of the generations before them didn't do enough to keep their planet clean. I want them to know that I'm keen and open to do as much as I can. But I'm always looking for what MORE I could be doing, and so I'm hoping that by sharing some of the things I'm doing, that I will manifest into my life (comments, people, comments!) ideas from others...

So here's the new things I've taken on in the last few months or so:
* inspired by Andrea, I no longer turn my dryer on. I found an old flower-drying rack that I'm using over the stairwell. I'm stunned by how quickly everything dries with our woodheat, and how easy this one change has been for me. I've always used my clothesline in the spring/summer/autumn, but didn't think I had much option in the winter. Surprise!

* this isn't entirely new, but if I don't have my to-go mug, I skip the drive-through. I've been doing this for a couple years now, but I would get a coffee for a friend without much thought. Now, if I don't have my guest-to-go-mug, my friend doesn't get coffee either.

* I refuse to buy anything packaged in styrofoam. I refuse to use styrofoam. At Christmas time we were served hot chocolate in styrofoam cups and that was the last time any styrofoam will go to the landfill because of me.

* I've replaced all of my non-stick cookware except cookie sheets (if you see stainless steel ones somewhere, will you give me a shout please?) and am trying not to buy anything with perfluorochemicals in or on it. This is NOT an easy change (good-bye most shampoos, take-out pizza (the boxes are coated) Gortex, Stainmaster (carpets, mattresses), microwave popcorn, Teflon, etc), but this is a chemical that will NEVER leave the earth (it has a half-life of tens of thousands of years), is found at alarmingly high rates in our bloodstreams and breastmilk, causes cancer and who knows what else, and is slowly killing everything from polarbears in the high arctic to butterflies in the Amazon. It's in my children's blood and there's nothing I can do about that. But I can try my darndest to try not to add to it... Skeptical? Google "perfluorochemicals" and see if you don't want to make some changes yourself.

* inspired by Linda, when I turn my oven on I'm ready to cook nearly everything for the week. Yesterday I made 2 loaves of bread (thanks for the recipe, Andrea!), 2 batches of cookies, roasted cauliflower and honey (!) soup, roasted the last spaghetti squash from our garden, roasted a chicken, and sweet potato fries, all in 3 hours. SO gratifying!

* inspired by Linda and many of my friends, I am trying to arrange everything I need to use our car for into one or two days out. This has been incredibly freeing, so far! We have lots of days of really free time, and our days 'in town' are full and productive. As soon as the ice is off the roads, I'm planning to start biking most places. You'll have to hold me to this one as this has been a goal for well over a year. oops!

* I'm trying really hard to use almost every single thing at least twice. Paper is easy, food packaging is more challenging (but all the more motivation to buy food sans packaging!). I buy everything I can in as big of a container as I can find, as these are so much easier to re-use. And I shop at a store that allows me to bring my own containers in and fill them from their bulk containers.

*Also inspired by Andrea (I should probably just have a whole post on what this incredible woman has inspired in my life...) I no longer buy any plastic bags or plastic wrap (and now hate to admit that I ever did. ugh!) I'm still using up some that I bought about 2 years ago, and trying to make them last as long as possible. Also, I find that I'm forced ? no, make that choose! to buy some things in plastic bags, and so I wash and store them for future use.

*We have commited as a family to plant 10 trees per year (here's a super easy way to do this! that only takes about 5 minutes!). Annika came up with this number as one tree for everyone in her 'family', which includes us 4, our dog, our cat, Gma & Gpa, and our 2 Foster Plan children. I love seeing the little wire cages up around our land, protecting these little promises of hope...

*This one will have loads of controversy (or skepticism, or laughter?! ha!) for those who know me and loathe my packrat ways, but I really think there is virtue in keeping for re-use rather than tossing. How many times have you gone to give someone a gift only to bemoan the fact that you just got rid of something they would've loved not two months ago? And all those little wires and hooks and bits of paper that you're dumping in the trash? They are SO handy at the right moment. It's all about organization and I'm always looking for ideas on that one... Loving Martha's book on this very subject just now. It irks me just a bit that people get so excited about their recycling habits, when that truly is not the answer. Oh, I don't mean we shouldn't recycle. We should be recycling absolutely everything we possibly can. But if the guilt of consumerism is eased by recycling, then we've clearly missed the entire point. We must consume LESS (reduce), reuse more. And then what we absolutely can't re-use in ANY other way, we recycle.

*All of my appliances have an Energy Star rating except my ancient washer and dryer. I know nobody else would want to inherit my washer so near to the end of its life, so I will keep it going until it gives up the ghost and then hope I can recycle some of its parts? and replace it with a super-efficient frontload. And maybe I won't bother replacing the dryer? When do you really NEED a dryer?

* I've switched to using a DivaCup along with Lunapads. I'm so impressed with how easy this change was, as well. I do have a box of unbleached, fully biodegradable cotton pads in my cupboard for travel or what-have-you, but so far I've rarely had to resort to using them. I'm much more comfortable with rinsing out my lunapads than I am with putting anything bloody into my compost! Yuck, right? But really, after using cloth diapers and feeling good about that choice, I decided that having filled a landfill site or two with my 25 years of pads was enough.

* I'm hoping to expand the growing of our own food every year. Our small garden plots last year produced an amazing amount of food to eat, can, freeze, pickle, jam and store, and I'm hoping to expand those plots by at least half again this year. Our chickens keep us in plenty of eggs and I'm thinking of raising some fryer hens as well, this year. I have to admit, I'd LOVE a jersey milkcow like the one I grew up with (and yes, J, her name was Annabelle!). Think of the cheese I could make and the fresh yogurt and butter and how lovely and large we'd all get. Ha! My A doesn't do well with dairy, but I think raw milk would be a different story. What do you think?

* I'm always hunting for more ways to buy from local producers. If you live around here, did you know that Anita sells local honey and coffee in addition to the huge service she does for those of us who get in on the Rancho Vignola orders each Autumn? What else am I missing out on?

* I'm trying to make as much of our food as I can -- bread, crackers, soup stock, jams, jellies, pickles, etc.

Okay, so those are the major new things I've implemented.

But there's one big smear on my conscience. Santa brought us a hot tub. I love the warmth and comfort of it but I just can't get past the monstrosity of unrecyclable, uncompostable plastic that it is... not to mention the toxicity of the chemicals and the energy that goes into keeping the water hot... My husband has always wanted one and this was clearly something that was really important to him. He works hard and it took him an entire month away from us to pay for this beast (this is one of his rationales for deserving it, and one of my reasons for not wanting it). We've gone round and round on this one and I'm attempting to surrender to the fact that it is here to stay and looking for ways to open my heart and enjoy it with my well-meaning husband... I have a hard time with the chemicals, for sure, but if it were a big hole in the ground lined with stones, and still took the same amount of chemicals and electricity to heat, I'd feel better about it. But it's NOT, and so it is what it is.

Anyway, hot-tub aside, I'm hoping to be able to add to this list every month. I would love to replace my beloved car with a hybrid, but I'm not convinced there's an all-wheel-drive-hybrid (and barring moving, I need all-wheel-drive) out there that's truly a better choice. Care to disagree? I'd love to hear what you have to say.

About anything... xo

WHAT a concept!

I have never read a book that affected my complete being as much as The Continuum Concept. Besides having intense regrets over not having known about this book before my children were born, the emotions run far deeper. All my impossible-to-understand, impossible-to-fulfill yearnings for support and fulfillment suddenly make sense to me. I feel like I've been searching my whole life for this one concept. Even my husband makes more sense to me -- his insecurities, his "stories", everything. This book was first published in 1975. I truly don't know why it is not required reading for every pregnant woman in the developed world. Our so-called "progress" comes with a distinct disadvantage in being mothers. Our continuum has been disrupted and many of us, hell, MOST of us don't trust our intuition enough to keep the continuum intact in our own children.
I find that this book is affecting every aspect of my life and I yearn for open-hearted people to discuss this with. I've asked several of my friends to read it, and I'm hoping for some brainstorming on how to mend the continuum in our children who are still young enough that this is possible. Hopeful.
Have you read it? How did it affect your life? Please share.

Housekeeping...

Well, our month of holidaying up at the skihill is over. We've spent every possible moment up there, skiing, tubing, skating, walking, and hanging out in the winter wonderland that is SilverStar... Aaah. What fun it's been! But now time to get on with life... So much to do... Like

Practice our best camera smiles...
Aaah, that's better! (Our sweet neighbour knit him this sweater!)

Wiggle out that VERY FIRST loose tooth!
Go see our beloved GG... (this was yesterday)
And prepare for our Imbolc celebration on Friday...

and, oh yeah! it's daddy's birthday on Friday too! oh! so much fun to look forward to...

Empowerment

One of the songs on the soundtrack of my life just now... There are so many versions, but this is the one that resonates in my soul. The amazing harmonies by these two just adds to the whole meaning for me. Mmm...

Enjoy! (Click to hear)

"With My Own Two Hands" by Ben Harper and Jack Johnson

"I can change the world with my own two hands
Make it a better place with my own two hands
Make it a kinder place with my own two hands
With my own, with my own two hands...

I can make peace on earth with my own two hands
I can clean up the earth with my own two hands
I can reach out to you with my own two hands
With my own, with my own two hands...
I'm going to make it a brighter place with my own two hands
I'm going to make it a safer place with my own two hands
I'm going to help the human race with my own two hands
With my own, with my own two hands...
I can hold you with my own two hands
I can comfort you with my own two hands
But you've got to use
Use your own two hands
Use your own
Use your own two hands
With our own
With our own two hands
With my own
With my own two hands."

Life as I Know It...

i'm feeling so muddled. like i have 3 or 4 lives going on at the same time and i just can't keep up. 1. I'm feeling so creative and want to spend my entire day rearranging and cleaning and purging and crafting and sewing and sorting...

2. I'm also feeling like sitting in front of the fire and knitting whilst watching my children build block cities and stage puppet shows...

3. I'm half way thru the Continuum Concept so my mind is reeling with all that. i've been reading bits and pieces of it for months on the website, but now i'm reading the whole book paragraph by paragraph, slowly, deliberately, and taking it all in.......... it's SO much. Of course it makes me wish yearn piiiiine for a rewind button where i could start anew with my babes. WHY OH WHY doesn't someone (me?) hand this book out to every single pregnant woman that they see??? If only... sure. But I'm loving reading it for NOW because it makes my emotions make more sense. It makes my husband's feelings make more sense. It makes the whole world make more sense. if you haven't read it, DO.

4. I've finally completely had it with my discomfort in my body, feeling the extra layers when i sit down, etc. so am keeping a food journal starting today. already been for a big walk/explore down at the creek. hoping for another one later.

5. BR and me are SURGING ahead in our relationship. such good, deep talks and huge progression. going deeper deeper and it feels SO good but makes me just want to be with him all day long. damn this culture where our work takes us away from our families!
6. I am consciously being more present with my kids, so lots of playtime (we played store this morning and read some books and did a big play down by the creek in the snow) with them.and 7. I need and want to go see my Gma.I'm feeling SO many things at once. I'm being pulled in so many directions at once. I am so overwhelmed. it's SO all goooood. but sooooo much.

Oh! and 8. I want to be doing more crafts with Annika. i still haven't taught her how to hand sew. we haven't made any paper mache puppets yet. we did some watercolour painting, but need to do more...... she's FIVE. i just can't believe it. she's getting so grown up. in every way. oooh! my heart pains but is excited too. and P is nearly 3. THREE!!! my sweet boy! oh my goddess. he's struggling with his communicating. i forget that he's still so little and have to throw out expectations for, well, for everything... with Annika too. and Brent. and ME!!!
My word for this year is "acceptance". I'm working on just accepting myself, appreciating myself, and then that flowing out to everyone around me. I started with this last year, but making much bigger gains now that I'm really focused on it. And so, of course, that means throwing out expectations, living in the moment, being present, and open and loving and ALIVE.

I'm also finally getting that there are no absolutes in life. At least not in mine. Buy local or don't buy at all? Yeah, that's a great goal, but when you need a humidifier in the middle of the night and Walmart is the only place open, guess what? the resolution goes out the window. So I'm choosing, whenever possible, to support small, local businesses. I'm choosing, whenever possible, to buy local produce. I'm freezing more, canning more, making more from scratch and going to the stores a LOT less. But there's always room for improvement.
Which brings me to my anti-word for this year: judgement. I am seeking to judge LESS. I am seeking to judge not-at-all, but as in buying locally, this being human seems to require lower standards than I'd like, and so the "no absolutes"... I find that judgement comes allllllllll too easily to me, and I am consciously STOPPING myself in mid-sentence, in mid-thought and looking for the need beneath the emotion. I see my reflection in the mirror and I realize this does not fill my need for beauty. And if someone looks fantastic? All that means is the vision is filling my need for beauty. Using my NVC a lot more in my life and it is truly miraculous...
Less judgement, more acceptance. More inner reflection, less whining. More sharing, less consuming. More reaching out, less us/them. More living, less worry. More rituals, less TV. More appreciation, less blaming. More creating, less planning. More picnics outside, less fake food. More organization, less clutter. More authenticity, less pretending. More courage, less fear. More exploring, less boredom. More dirt, less soap.

Bring. it. on.

Don't get me started...

Okay, as promised, here are my thoughts about Christmas...
Christ was not born on December 25th. Not even close. Some astronomers believe he was born in early Spring, based on the situation of the bright star. Other historians believe he was born in September, 6 months after passover. So why is his birthday associated with the festivities of December? Because the Church wanted to convert more pagans back in the third and fourth centuries (that's right, three hundred years after Christ), and so instead of forbidding them to celebrate the pagan solstice (well, actually they tried that and it didn't work), they plunked a Christian celebration into the mix and sat back, pleased with how everyone was suddenly so festive about Christianity. (here and here and thousands of other places offer more detailed info.)
Okay, so there's really nothing wrong with all that, is there? I have often thought of moving Annika's birthday to June so that the festivities of the year are spread out a bit more... But here's why I refuse to play along. It bothers me a great deal that we don't honour the earth. The whole destruction of the pagan ways, the death of midwives and medicine women branded as "witches", the shift from the earth as holy to man being given "dominion" over it makes me crazy (don't get me started). It bothers me too much that we are destroying our planet in the name of "progress" and finding any and all excuses not to stop this horrifying trend. My own brother was saying over the holiday that he thinks this whole global warming thing being caused by pollution and MANKIND is just a hoax! He thinks it's just the natural progression of nature, and he's not alone. I could go on and on and onnnnn (trust me) about the follies of our species, but I'll just say this: WHAT IS WRONG with celebrating the earth? WHY does the Christian church find earth wisdom dangerous? Why aren't we bringing back the earth-honouring traditions of yesteryear? Why are we still afraid to call ourselves witches? My daughter has a song (by Anne Hill) that proudly sings "Who were the witches? Where did they come from? Maybe your great great grandmother was one! Witches were wise wise women they say... And there's a little witch in every woman today..." It talks about how the witches were the women who helped with childbirth, who knew how to use the flowers and leaves and bark from the trees to heal people.
Okay, so we don't know what went on in the crazed minds of the crusaders or anyone using religion as a weapon... But is this really so threatening to us now? Why wouldn't we choose to teach our children about earth wisdom? Well, this is my point. I choose earth wisdom. I choose pagan. I have nothing against Christ, truly. I think if we followed his true teachings our world would be a very peaceful, earth-honouring, amazing place. But out of principle I choose to call Christmas what it really is: the celebration of the return of the sun, the longest night of the year, the celebration of light... Yule. Winter Solstice. It is not Christmas. So don't send me cards reminding me to "keep the Christ in Christmas" unless you're sending those cards in March or September. And really, what DOES it mean to be Christian if it's not about honouring the creation of God? I choose to find my God(dess) in nature. I choose to worship the Sun of God... and the moon and the stars and the rain and the trees and the earth and ... and from what I know about Christ, I think he'd join me. How about you?

Keep or pass?

My mum was a passionate artist. Her whole life she was drawing, painting, making porcelain dolls, heirloom teddies and was an incredible seamstress. I inherited her (overwhelming) collection of books and magazines and have been sorting through them for nearly 7 years now.
I have given a lot of her things away, sold some of her books on Ebay, and still have lots more. Today I'm trying to decide what to do with her Sew Beautiful magazines. I have about 40 and they are an incredible resource for all things sewing. Mostly they contain heirloom sewing (christening gowns, flower girl dresses, etc.) projects, but they have lots of fun applique ideas and quilt designs, etc. I DO find them inspiring, but pretty sure I don't need to keep all 40. I will not be making any of these fabulous things for my daughter, but I do dream of making a beautiful princess dress for my grandaughter... Will I be the seamstress then that my mum was? I would need to be in order to "pull off" one of these projects. Here is just a wee sample of what these magazines contain: (the shadows are from my windows. i was trying to take the photos in the sunshine)

What do you think? Should I keep these magazines? Should I sell them on Ebay? I want to hear from you. Thanks!

My Foundation...

I've been so inspired reading chickadoodle with all the symbolism Andrea finds in her life... I've been looking at my own foundation differently, and here's what I see:
This is my crafting room/studio. I have a hard time calling it a studio because studios are used by artists, and I haven't quite claimed that title for myself as yet. I have a burning neeeeeed to create, I love the creations that flow out of me... but does that make me an artist? I haven't quite gotten there yet. Anyway, this is my space, but it's frequently taken over by everything we don't want in the rest of our living space. It's doubling as my winter greenhouse just now (for my beloved geranium collection) which seriously cramps my space (you can't really tell, but my serger is SURROUNDED by plants).

This is the storage area between the kids' play area and the new TV area (I put the TV downstairs yesterday as everytime weeP looked at it in the main living room, he begged for it to be turned on). The baskets were a great idea, but what is up with all that stuff on top? You know I look at it all and there really isn't a thing I could happily toss. It just needs to be better organized. While we were at my brother's in Alberta, I was so inspired by how well organized their house is. They have SO much stuff in there, all the treasures of a very full-lived life, all the reminders of their lost children so lovingly and beautifully displayed. I was inspired because I live in constant guilt of being a packrat. I constantly look at my heaps of things, that I'm too attached to, and think that I really should be getting rid of it all. But looking around in my brother's beautiful home, I realized that I just need to embrace my stuff and get better at displaying the things I want out, and storing the things I don't. So, that's my mission for the next few days...

And this is the kids' play area. It mostly works realy well, but there are lots of things I can do to get it better organized too. What is that pink and purple box, you ask? That's their craft table covered in an old bedskirt (I never throw anything away, and you know what? It makes the PERFECT fort! Just the right amount of dark and soft and size...)

This is the other side. We are so lucky to have a sink in their little area! But you can't see it, can you? Too must stuff piled around. Watch this space... It's about to get transformed. hee! Exciting! And I LOVE the image of what it does for the foundation in my life when I clean up the basement in my home. love love xo

Here's what our house smells like today...

We couldn't keep up with the carrots from our garden last Fall, so I froze a bunch roughly chopped in 2 pound bags for THIS wonderful recipe.

Carrot Lemongrass Soup (with coriander, ginger and coconut) from ReBar cookbook

serves 6 to 8 hungry folk!

8 cups soup stock (I use whatever I have, this time I'm using 6 cups of veggie stock I made using up the veggies in my fridge that were past prime, so mostly cruciferous variety, plus 2 cups chicken stock from my freezer)
6 kaffir lime leaves (I use dry as I can't find them to buy here and my aunt brings me dried ones from Australia!)
2 Tbsp veg oil
1 yellow onion, diced
1 Tbsp coarse salt
3 lemongrass stalks (I couldn't find fresh so used dried)
5 garlic cloves, minced
3 Tbsp minced ginger
1/2 tsp Thai red curry paste
1 Tbsp coriander seeds, ground
2 lbs carrots, roughly chopped
1 can (398 mL) coconut milk
2 tsp sambal oelek
1 tsp minced lemon zest
juice of 1 lemon

Heat stock, add lime leaves.
Heat oil over medium heat, cook onion and 1 tsp salt until translucent. Add garlic, ginger, lemongrass, curry paste and coriander; saute and stir for 5 min. Stir in chopped carrots and remaining 2 tsp of salt. Saute for several minutes, then pour in hot stock. Bring to a boil and simmer until carrots are soft (about 15 min.)
Remove the lime leaves and puree the soup. Whisk in coconut milk and sambal oelek and simmer gently for 15 minutes. Just before serving add lemon zest, juice and season to taste with more salt or more sambal. Add spoonful of yogurt (and cilantro if you don't HATE cilantro like I do!!!) to each bowl and ENJOY!

Annika says this soup helps her see in the dark. I don't doubt it! YUM!

Time to take stock, set goals, reflect...

Spiritually, this is my favourite time of the year. I am always filled with such a deep sense of hope and excitement about what the year will bring. January is a very reflective month for me, and I'm wondering if I don't intuitively really START the year in February. It seems like we need a month of reflection after all the busy-ness of December's festivities before we're ready to start the new clean slate? Is that why so many resolutions fail within the first couple of weeks?

Imbolc is February 2nd, and here's what it says about it in the We'Moon calendar:

In the Northern Hemisphere, Imbolc symbolizes the season when Mother Earth cleanses the debris that is cluttering Her delicate topsoil. Glaciers begin to melt, rivers swell and rains wash away that which is no longer useful. She prepares herself to embrace this year's new growth through elemental cleansing.

Imbolc teaches us how to ready ourselves for our own new growth through symbolic cleansing. Do you feel embraced by your life, your tribe and your sisters? How will you embrace your community to oencourage and celebrate new growth?

You might start with yourself first on Imbolc by cleaning your living space, dusting your altar and smudging with rosemary or sage. Weed your garden while sprinkling seeds on fertile ground. For your community, donate unused food and clothing. Create unity with your sisters by gathering in a circle...

Doesn't that sound like the start of something wonderful? So I think I'm feeling a shift within and without, a shift more towards the pagan calendar which feels more primal and in tune with my inner cycles.

This is definitely the time of year I do most of my household purging. I cleaned out the hats/mitts/scarves, and then the medicine cabinet, and today was under my bathroom sink. Amazing what gets forgotten and is no longer useful behind closed doors. Time to pass it along to someone who will use it all...

I love this time of year!

The first of a month of resolutions...

Support local.
Buy local.
Or don't buy at all...
please read this:
http://www.worstedwitch.com/?p=592